Sidequesting

Sidequesting... so whenever I find myself in somewhat of a stable position in life, what immediately tends to happen is I tend to completely fill my schedule with all kinds of sidequests and side goals. Like, instead of focusing on work in the office, I would spend an afternoon building a smart PHP/JSON/HTML5 dashboard allowing me to change my wallpaper into a moving status display that can be changed remotely, in real time. Or, like, spending an afternoon trying to find a copy of the blue Hot Wheels Nissan Skyline 2000GT-R LBWK with the lowest shipping cost. Or maybe spending half the morning finding a good gym bag or the best screening for that new PTA flick. The things life is worth living for, the things you hit snooze on whilst unemployed, and now are ecstatic about trying out as fast as possible.

But, sadly, also things that distract you from your daily activities.

I am now a senior graphic designer (yay, age). Either way, not the best use of time... ?

Hugo Boss

A couple of weeks ago we had a major conflict over something I saw as trivial at the time - a Hugo Boss perfume. Namely, a significantly discounted Hugo Boss perfume off a tax-free shelf - an ostensibly good deal in my book. Not for her, though, leading to one of the biggest conflicts in the history of our relationship.

To me, the perfume signaled a good deal - something I had been looking for for quite a while, working among good-smelling people. Something that made me very self-conscious, something I had planned to acquire for my birthday. Something that could help with my self-confidence and presentation. In that context, spending 40 bucks for something that lasts years to come seemed almost trivial, a rounding error.

For her, though, it was yet another example in an ever-growing set of examples of me not taking my financial situation seriously.

Part of me couldn’t help but be annoyed by the simple fact it would have been a small little thing for me, in the context of our biggest expense easily - groceries. So every time some fancy cabbage or obscure fruit found its way to the basket, I felt a sense of resentment. She was in a position to make those expenses, I was not. She had the salad days, I was camp buckwheat porridge. And so I struggled to take her position seriously. I mean, in the context of the heat death of the universe… I mean, come on. 40 bucks. Really?

But I do understand I was subconsciously signaling something else - a sense of carelessness at her cost. She had taken a significant financial hit with my situation, and seeing me eyeing such trivialities must have seemed surreal.

So I bought it in secret. And lied about it. It’ll even pay off eventually. One day I’ll come clean, but not today. 

Today I’ll just smell great.

How good news can ruin a day.

A good news can ruin a day. All it took was one notification on my phone, one I hadn’t seen yet, nor swiped away. It was an email from a job I applied to recently, a good offer, but it wasn’t a good incident.  The morning had started with a horrible rainstorm, so we decided to commute to work with a rental that just happened to be nearby, as if by a miracle. I was driving, in hectic peak rush-hour traffic, operating a motor vehicle, worst intersection in Tallinn, and then my girlfriend just grabbed my phone to change the song and instead opened the email and went through the entire thread. And got really pissed off that I had seemingly been procrastinating on it.

I don’t mind if she knows what’s going on in my life, I don’t even mind if she sees my stuff—but this felt like the worst violation. Ambushed. Total violation. Why did I, when I had applied for a job, ask follow-up questions on the same date as the due date? I didn’t have a good answer. Traffic, life, rush hour, worst intersection, couldn’t think. No mental capacity.

And of course, the worst part? She was right. She saw right through my ruse. I HAD been procrastinating on this one. I had no good idea for that. Pissed me off. Worst place, worst time, worst moment ever. Morning started well, everything going great, then irony hits: email from the employer, they loved my work, good news, but my partner gets left out. And she proceeds to grill me, why haven’t you responded sooner? Because, of course, in her mind it fits a pattern—me avoiding duties—but the timing, the traffic, the whole situation, completely wrong.

I’m stuck. No money for a drastic move. Emotionally exhausted. Unemployed, feeling worthless but capable, and having someone point out how you’re “doing things wrong” in the middle of rush-hour life? Unhelpful, to say the least.

fertilizer

I guess you have to appreciate the little wins in life. When my bank account started to scrape absolute zero last week, I randomly noticed the price of bitcoin had gone up, and remembered I had copped some way back when. Turns out it had appreciated in value quite a bit. Not a lot, but still - enough to cover a months worth of expenses, if needed. 

I then had messed up booking a dentists appointment. I had long hit snooze on it due to financial situation, but felt I needed to go stat due to a sensitive tooth. Managed to get one the very next day and had a wisdom tooth removed. Costs with the dental care benefit - 48 euros. Not nothing, but way better than I expected. 

Then got a call with an offer for Go3 subscription with HBO Max and Paramount+ included for 5.49 per month. It's an expense, but a reasonable one. A little win. 

The psychologists visit cost as much as my annual Hot Wheels budget, but it was a bit unavoidable. I guess. 

Kooliraha ehk kuidas 250 eurost kiirelt 218 eurot teha

Ühesõnaga läksin päeval lõunat ostma. Teadsin, et olin laenanud pisukese nutsu pappi, mis mul kontol alles peaks olema. Olin pannud selle kasvuhoiusele... Sorry, kogumishoiusele, et see 2% aastas lisaks teeniks, sest tasuta raha. Ning siis selgus, et poes ei lähe makse läbi. Pole hullu, proovime teise kaardiga. Ka tühi? Hästi, ma siis tõstan ühelt kontol teisele. Imelik... Kõik kontod justkui nullis. Arusaadav, järelikult on internetiarve maha läinud. Pole hullu, olin sellega arvestanud. Vaatan siis, et olin mingi hetk stonksi müünud, et seal ikka peaks mingid sendid alles olema. Väga hea, kontojääk kakssada midagi. Üritan tavalisele kontole kanda... Ei lase. Imelik. Vaatan siis oma stonksidesse ja... mingil täiesti arusaamatul põhjusel vaatab mulle sealt vastu hunnik SPYW, VWRL ja SXR8 väärtpabereid. Mida sitta, ma kohe kindlasti ei ole proovinud sel nädalal vabatahtlikult S&P500 osta (kui see kunagi teemaks tuleb, siis on tegemist nädalaga, kus Trump just kuulutas, et kõik ameeriklased peaks oma heast vabast tahtest endale Tesla ostma ja ähvardas Euroopa Liidu alkoholile lajatada 200-protsendise tollimaksu). Maksin siis krediitkaardiga ja otsustasin, et mõistatus vaja kiireimas korras lahendada. 

Hiljem kontoris ja peale kurja kõnet oma panka sain lõpuks pihta, mis oli juhtunud - olin kandnud kogumishoiuse asemel kiiruga viimati raha kasvuhoiusele, mõlemal suht sama kontonumber. Vahe siis selles, et kui kasvuhoius, sorry, kogumishoius maksab mulle 2% hoiusest intressi, siis kasvuhoius (mida ma aastaid kasutanud pole) hakkas kohe agaralt ja automaatselt aktsiaid kokku ostma. Nüüd siis selgub, et oma raha tagasi saamiseks oleks kõik need taas ükshaaval turuhinnaga maha vaja müüa (mis, otse loomulikult, on hetkel madalam, kui ostuhetkel). Lisaks tuleb iga eri osaku tüübi pealt maksta ei rohkem ega vähem kui üheksa eurot teenustasu. Mis teeb kogu päeva kogutuluks -31.31 eurot puhtalt kätte. Suht asjalik tehing. 

Mis puudutab aga mu varasemalt müüdud osakuid, mille raha ma kuidagi üle ei saanud kanda - need olid ilmselgelt Suurbritannia naelsterlingutes. Mis tähendas, et need tuli enne virtuaalselt pangas eurodeks vahetada - küll teenustastuta, aga panga kursiga. 

Eks elu õpetab. 

Vroom vroom.

 

It feels at least a little unreal - I did finally manage to actually convince someone to give me a legitimate permit to operate a motorized vehicle. And all that at the tender age of 38.63. Since I was especially vindictive towards my wallet and my mental health, I decided to learn to drive stick! All it took was 139 days, 590.86 kilometers of driving, and 1645 euros of cold hard cash. Oh, and the train tickets to the exam were 27.36 euros. If I add in the lunch I ate and the excessive amounts of Belief caffeinated vitamin water (very on the nose), it comes to about 1700 euros and 4.61 months. 

For whatever reason I felt compelled to document the whole thing, tracking all my drives, expenses, mileage, precise time, cost, etc. Quantifying the whole process was utterly satisfying, giving me something to look forward to and giving me tangible feedback on how I was doing. I felt elated to go to the lessons every day (and terrified to fuck anything up), so when I abruptly managed to graduate, it almost felt like some emptiness had befallen me. It was especially hurtful, since Bolt Drive only allows you to rent vehicles after you've had your licence for a period. Not CityBee though - those latvians just can't seem to get enough of my dumb money. 

Now that I've had some time to drive alone I drive just like all those idiots I've screamed at on the streets. Damn, it feels AMAZING! 

-7299.87

January was all about eating crow. Not much was happening career-wise—everything had dried up. Things got so sour we had serious talks about taking a break from the relationship to focus on our own lives. Eventually, I decided to air myself out a little and spent a week at my sister’s place in the south of Spain. 

Then, suddenly, it felt like some kind of thaw. I had worked harder than ever on my cover letters, spammed every job offer under the sun—regardless of expertise—and finally managed to get to a few second rounds. Now, I’m in four separate interview processes. For the first time in a while, I’m feeling cautiously optimistic about the future. 

I also added up all my immediate debts—the ones that need handling as soon as I land a salaried position. The number came to 7,299.87 euros, meaning my current net worth is around -5,918 euros. I guess this is what two and a half years of unemployment and three months of travel will do to your finances. In other words, I’m once again a true proletariat. My only asset is my labor. Can’t wait to start trading hours of my life for a poor exchange rate just to get back to zero. But at least there is hope. 

bad at maths

Ühesõnaga mu partner on seriously fucked off about my current predicament. What was supposed to be a brief period of underutilization has become a major hurdle in our personal relationship and a massive source of stress. It is no longer enough that I cook and clean like the house elf that I am, I am being berated for not applying to the most bottom of the barrel job offers. This does really feel like a bottom.