never settle (the sequel)

2018 was pretty fucky year, we can all agree. The whole year delivered poorly, plans did not pan out, things failed to manifest and big enlightenments were few and far between. But it was also a year of liberty and a newfound sense of responsibility for your feelings and actions. Life gave me an abundance of options, but also made me work hard for any actual results.

1. Social life. It was a year of randomly running into old friends and relatives. It felt like there was a strong sense of clarity; why some people remained in your life and why many disappeared. I loathed being so dependant, but often found many of my fears and anxieties holding my relationships back were, in fact, not mutual. There was little resentment on the part of others. I did not know that. Maybe next year I manage to actually connect with some of them on a deeper and more meaningful level.

2. Career. More or less the same. I did manage to get more comfortable once my fear of getting fired subsided. I allowed myself to open up a little, took greater responsibility for my work and also started to respect my own time more. Overall, not quite there, but a whole lot better than the last time we met.

3. Family. I tried, man, I really did. Made sure to show up to family events, spend quality time with sis and mom whenever possible. That being said, it rarely was. Everyone was always overwhelmed, since 2018 was ruthless for our schedules. At least there was intent and desire. Maybe nex year, eh?

4. Investments. Haha. Nah. Nil. Moving four times and making short-sighted expenses guaranteed that I would end the year with my head barely above water. Still owe my mom like €560, so let's just meet in the middle and say I failed miserably.

5. Travel. My piss-poor resources and planning skills guaranteed this year I would not make it far. All my travels ended up being WAY more expensive than planned, flushing any hopes of saving down the drain. At the same time I never denied myself any experiences or comforts. Travelled like an adult, airport lattes and all. Can't say I have too many regrets. Maybe next year just try and make it further than Oslo and London.

And 2019 will definitely not be the year of marriages or children. Like, so very much not.

never settle

2017 was one fuck of a year. It was the year of settling, in every sense of the world. Accepting and embracing the relationship with all it's flaws and merits, letting go of unreal expectations and making some hard choices and decisions. Getting to stare your true market value in the face, understand where you fit in. I wanted to try some normal-ass comfortable middle-class life and that's exactly what I got. And in 2018 I want to do some things differently.

1. Social life. Man, have I fallen behind on this. Literally secluded myself from other people. 2018 I'm not gonna do that shit. I want to go out again. Do things. Feel things. Get hurt. Keep moving. Follow up with friends, many of whom might still not resent me. Go see how they are doing.

2. Career. I have no idea where my current job is going. If anything, it feels like it's not really going. Aside from the salary, it's not quite "goals" either, with me still feeling like a useless rabbit in the corner. The confidence I lost in 2016 and 2017 made sure I'll never shine there. So in 2018, I'mma do me. Whatever that means. Sacrificing a normal career for some random opportunities? Sure. I'm game.

3. Family. I don't have a lot of family left and the ones I have I don't spend nearly enough time with. In 2018 I want to spend more time with my mother, as long as I have her. I wanna help her move out or at least try to fix that awful dump she lives in. Cut some trees, take out some trash, rent or buy an apartment.

4. Investments. I've always felt I've never had enough to invest. The truth is the opposite. It's the pennies you piss down the drain that eventually adds up. I've spent a lot of money on absolutely nothing over the years, going bust before the payday. In 2018 I will start putting money aside, get some cryptocoin and maybe even think about getting some property.

5. Travel. I love to travel. Now that I'm old and comfortable I love to travel in comfort. If you play your cards right, travel does not have to be super expensive. In 2018 I'd love to get out of the country at least once in every 2-3 months. Iceland and US might still be some time away (May-June 2018), but weekend getaways to nearby places with cheap flights are a real thing.

In 2019 we can start thinking about marriage and other goals. But try and keep them off the map for this year, okay?

The Invention of Lying

I know when I started lying.

I was maybe four years old. I would often play with my nephew and he would often cause a mess or break something. Sometimes it was the both of us. Kids play, things happen. But despite my attempts to try and explain the situation I’d always take a beating. My attempts at setting the record straight were futile. If he had broken something it was his word against mine. And my words were weaker.

So I learned how to lie. I leaned how to mitigate truth. How to reframe the reality. How to avoid the direct fallout from my mistakes by using half-truths and inaccuracies. And for a while it worked. Less beatings and less punishments.

In fact, it worked so damn well that when I made it to my teens, it became my default modus operandi. Whenever there were missed deadlines or even simple slip-ups I'd lie. When I was lazy and wanted to avoid obligations, I'd lie. It was a defence mechanism. It was easier to avoid truth than to deal with consequences.

Eventually things got worse. It started to significantly hinder my career and education. I'd get into trouble. But it was still my default hardwired behaviour. Whenever I'd find myself in a sticky situation I'd default to illustrating the truth.

So, as a last desparate attempt, I learned how to be bad at lying. I would contradict myself, miss emotional cues, intentionally talk myself in. Make my lies implausible and wouldn't follow through with them. I made it impossible for me to lie effectively. So eventually I'd have to come clean.

It had moderate success. It still did not help me get better at life. But it forced me to be mildly more honest. To learn to trust people again. To build rapport. To accept that life is not a zero-sum game - with winners and losers - but a symbiosis.

That to become trusted again, one must trust themselves.

Binary Descisions

For the past year I've often found myself in a situation where I have to make a simple binary descision - option A or option B. No gray area - just a simple A or B. Bring milk or not bring milk. And in those moments I've never known what choice to make - it is only in hindsight that I'll know whether I've made the right call or what the best option would have been.

Which is a problem. Because I keep picking the wrong option. Singular moments in my life when my whole future goes in two different lanes and I'll have often managed to choose the poorer option.

Man, am I out of sync with myself.

PS! Post edited for clarity.

You do you

Man, you are here because of your decisions. This is exactly what you wanted. Otherwise you would have made different decisions.

Or maybe, just maybe you took advice from the wrong fucking people and now are suffering because of that?

I don't fucking know, how could I, I'm just a blog. Make up your damn mind already.

the feeling when someone does something before you without asking and then blames you for not doing it

you either let me do that or you don't get to blame me. it's that simple.

arguing with my girlfriend like

Decisions 2016

I can't stop making bad decisions. God help us all.

For the past year I've done nothing but bad decisions. Every single choice I've had to make has yielded the worst results, yet the only person I can hold accountable is myself. Well, I suppose I've taken my fair share of peer pressure and bad advice as well, but still. To get into a relationship, give up my job AND my damn apartment and to burn all the bridges with my old friends. And for what? Why? Some of the choices I can easily pinpoint to a different era of my life and an attempt to pursue the same goals I had years earlier, when the conditions were different. Those old solutions do not work for new problems however.

And most recently. I had to do a rough price estimate for a client. Despite my best attempts I couldn't reasonably justify a high initial offer. Yet after having added up the cost of the equipment and rentals, it still came short. It will be nowhere near profitable, yet will cost a lot of time and leave little in terms of gains. A promise is a promise, I will have to deliver. But I won't be getting anything out of it in the process. So I'm hoping the project falls through.

Please don't make me decide anything anytime soon. I will fuck this up.

eat the frog

Eelmisel reedel sain töönädala lõpetuseks mõnusa ootamatu uudise kaela - nimelt oli mind ootamatult vaja nädalavahetuseks baari appi. See uudis tuli üsna halva ajastusega, kuna olin end lasknud nädalavaheuseks ka teise baari tööle panna. Lisaks oli olnud eelviimane nädal, masinad ei toiminud korralikult ning üle kõige oleks mul olnud tarvis vaid puhata. Elus täielikult pettununa läksin reede õhul koju ja leidsin eest tühja korteri, kuna neiu oli sõbrannadega välja läinud.

Ja ma läksin magama. Ja see oli fantastiline.

Ja siis järgmisel päeval mõistsin, et fuckit, i'll make the best of it. Virisemisest pole kasu, sest tingimused sellest ei muutu.

Fubar 2.0

Mul on veidi kahju, et mu eilne eepiline rant blogisse ära kustus. Kui tavaliselt tundub hea lasta mõned mõtted lihtsalt minema voolata, on seekord mul isegi kahju, et kogu see konserveeritud sisemine sapp paberi peal kirja ei saanud.

Tl;dr i have wasted my whole life. My life is meaningless.

Fubar

Port Authority

Minu geniaalses Ameerika turismireisi plaanis on vaid üks pisike auk - majutus. Ma olin selle pisiasja sootuks viimaseks jätnud. Tegin aasta alguses researchi ära neli kuud ette ja siis nüüd avastasin, et hindadel on vastavalt nõudlusele tendents muutuda. Ups.

Tundub, et ka parimate arvutuste kohaselt ei tuleks säästutripist säästutripp. Ja päris full-on rikkuritripiks mul vahendeid pole. Mis toobki tõsiasjani, et ehk peaks oma ressursse kuidagi arukamalt kasutama?

Mäletan, kui eelmine aasta emaga euroopas sai tripitud, olin uhke, et olin paar sotti kõrvale pannud ja ei pidanud otseselt raha pärast põdema (va. need pagana rongipiletid). Seekord on kogunenud veidi suurem ja üsna substantial summa, mille iga ratsionaalne inimene investeeriks hoopis oma karjääri edendamisse. Kuid peale umbes 13 kuud 40 tundi nädalas pausideta dead-end töö peal rügamist... all i want is a vacation.

And fuck no am I sleeping in no damn hostel. I'm an adult.

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image courtesy of Graphic Stamps by Unit Editions (via WeTransfer)

An exciting fear

So I accidentally quit my job today. The boss lady came over to tell me how one of the workers had quit and how we could handle the vacation process and... I slyly dropped the bomb. It felt akward. Awkwardly liberating.

I can't remember the last time grass smelled that fresh, the air buzzing from anticipation, sizzling in my hair. It was an incredible, undescribable sense of freedom, combined with a sense of fear about the future.

But it was an exciting fear.

halfway homeless

There's no nice way of putting this, but for the very first time in my life it's either one friend or the other, no middle path. No compromise. There can only be one.

One of them is my on-again-off-again girlfriend whom I've tried to dump for months, only to be pulled back even stronger. The other is my best friend, a person who could read my thoughts without me even having them, yet has recently been very obsessive, bitter and judgmental - not quite the vibes I need in my life.

I'm not quite ready to let go but we are drifting apart, so fast, so hard. Thankfully I have a harbor.

Relationshit problems

People get into relationships for mainly two reasons - they either like the convenience or they really like the other person.

Why am I in a relationship?

anna aega atra seada

Inimesed küsivad minult tihti, et mis mu plaan on või mida ma teha kavatsen. Ja ma ei saa neile midagi vastata, sest mul pole olnud aega selliste asjade peale mõelda. Kogu viimase aja käitumine on olnud pigem reageerimine, kui et planeerimine.

Mul oleks veidi privaatsust vaja, et asjad läbi mõelda. Asju hakkab juhtuma.

NutriBar™

I don't have the time, energy or necessary means to feed someones ego.

Kobayashi Maru

What a bitch of a morning.

Kui su elus on kaks inimest, kes mõlemad tahavad mingil põhjusel samal toolil istuda ja sa sellest hoolimata üritad kompromissi leida... ja seda lihtsalt ei ole?

Lose-lose situation.

Nädalakoroskoop: 24.10.2015-30.10.2015

Töötamine ei edene eriti. Ajuti võib sind lausa laiskus vallata, nii mõnigi ülesanne tundub ebameeldivalt tüütu ning kipud selle täitmist edasi lükkama. Sind köidavad hoopis kergemad ja lõbusamad teemad – naudid inimeste hulgas viibimist, uute tutvuste loomist, tantsu ja flirti.

so much happening

See feel, kui avastad, et su endine best friend on sind facebookist maha võtnud. Burns!

Sel nädalal on kõik eelmiste nädalate asjad kuidagi kulmineerunud. Et kõik varasemalt mulda küntud seemned on oma viljad maha saanud või umbrohtu kasvanud ning jooksed kõpla ja kastekannuga vagude vahel, et mis jääb ja mis peab minema. Eriti sel nädalal.

Võtsin neljapäeval süüdimatult poolvaba haiguspäeva, sest ei suutnud tempoga kaasas püsida. No ragrets, õigesse kohta läks.

Ja see ei tundu, nagu see oleks tulnud liiga kiiresti - pigem see, et nüüd on see hetk käes, kus mingeid vastuseid enam vältida pole võimalik. Tööl on tunda veits silmuse kitsenemist ja sõbrad ning sõbrannad ootavad paikapanevaid otsuseid. Selline tunne, nagu seisaks rambivalguses, publik vaikuses ootamas, et "noh, ütle lõpuks midagi". Ja parim, mis sa teha saad, on improviseerida puusalt.

So much shit happening right now... I need a fucking vaca.

PS! Sidenote. Kunagine parim sõps võttis kind-of ühendust. So I have that going for me which is nice, i guess.