Free Endorphins for Life

I have a confession to make. Something i have never admitted to anybody, not even myself.

...

Ever since i was little, i have been living a double life. One of those lives involved my family, friends and immediate surroundings. The other one, however, was further away - in my head. Throughout my hole life I have been building this world, adjusting and crafting; occasionally starting over and resetting, as I saw fit. A whole fictional life, with it's own failures and victories, sacrefices and gains. And IT FELT REAL. In there, anything was possible. But now, at the age of 27 it's weighing me down.

You see, somewhere down the road that world started to substitute reality for me. I was having lavish parties with celebrities, finding great success in any endeavour I decided to get myself involved in. There were problems, sure, but even those were made up. And without actually having to work for it, I was able to get a kick usually associated with any kind of achievement. It was like my own meth lab, right there in my head. Whenever I wanted to feel good, I could just go there. Free endorphins for life. And as time went by, I kept going there, more often than ever.

Hence, I had found myself in a position, where real life no longer substitutes for fiction. It paled in comparison. Since I was so preoccupied building a world in my head, I had no time for the real one. And as time went by, I kept holding on to it, harder and harder. I wasn't just going to let it go. I built it. Like a father with a meth lab in his basement, who still goes to work every morning. It was the only getaway i had for the seemingly ever more cruel world around me, where you actually had to work to achieve anything; where you had to get along with different personalities and work in groups; where yo had to acquire skills to pull off great things.

But then something happened. I met somebody. We got along naturally. I found it to be a delight to spend every moment awake with her. We just... clicked. And as my real life was suddenly more fulfilling, I ran away less. We got furniture, made plans, travelled. We lived. And yet, in my head, I still found myself longing for that stronger kick.

Eventually she gave up on me. As I was left alone in the ruins of the world we had built together, she moved on. She found herself. Suddenly, all I had was my refuge. And a lot of free time I had no idea how to occupy. So I started going there again. It did not feel as it did in the past, but I felt it was the best that could be had, considering. I relapsed.

And now I am struggling to get out. I don't want to be in that world anymore; the one I had built for myself. I know it's not real, the illusion is gone. But I have no idea what to substitute it with. I have lost so much time, careerwise. And people who complete me don't come around every so often. So far there has been one. And I am desperate to replace her, making unwise decisions in the process; burning bridges and wasting assets.

I need help. I just have no idea what help is supposed to be like.

I'm terrified to relapse.

...

What is serotonin? What does serotonin do?
Endorphins: Natural Pain and Stress Fighters