I know when I started lying.
I was maybe four years old. I would often play with my nephew and he would often cause a mess or break something. Sometimes it was the both of us. Kids play, things happen. But despite my attempts to try and explain the situation I’d always take a beating. My attempts at setting the record straight were futile. If he had broken something it was his word against mine. And my words were weaker.
So I learned how to lie. I leaned how to mitigate truth. How to reframe the reality. How to avoid the direct fallout from my mistakes by using half-truths and inaccuracies. And for a while it worked. Less beatings and less punishments.
In fact, it worked so damn well that when I made it to my teens, it became my default modus operandi. Whenever there were missed deadlines or even simple slip-ups I'd lie. When I was lazy and wanted to avoid obligations, I'd lie. It was a defence mechanism. It was easier to avoid truth than to deal with consequences.
Eventually things got worse. It started to significantly hinder my career and education. I'd get into trouble. But it was still my default hardwired behaviour. Whenever I'd find myself in a sticky situation I'd default to illustrating the truth.
So, as a last desparate attempt, I learned how to be bad at lying. I would contradict myself, miss emotional cues, intentionally talk myself in. Make my lies implausible and wouldn't follow through with them. I made it impossible for me to lie effectively. So eventually I'd have to come clean.
It had moderate success. It still did not help me get better at life. But it forced me to be mildly more honest. To learn to trust people again. To build rapport. To accept that life is not a zero-sum game - with winners and losers - but a symbiosis.
That to become trusted again, one must trust themselves.
