fertilizer

I guess you have to appreciate the little wins in life. When my bank account started to scrape absolute zero last week, I randomly noticed the price of bitcoin had gone up, and remembered I had copped some way back when. Turns out it had appreciated in value quite a bit. Not a lot, but still - enough to cover a months worth of expenses, if needed. 

I then had messed up booking a dentists appointment. I had long hit snooze on it due to financial situation, but felt I needed to go stat due to a sensitive tooth. Managed to get one the very next day and had a wisdom tooth removed. Costs with the dental care benefit - 48 euros. Not nothing, but way better than I expected. 

Then got a call with an offer for Go3 subscription with HBO Max and Paramount+ included for 5.49 per month. It's an expense, but a reasonable one. A little win. 

The psychologists visit cost as much as my annual Hot Wheels budget, but it was a bit unavoidable. I guess. 

-7299.87

January was all about eating crow. Not much was happening career-wise—everything had dried up. Things got so sour we had serious talks about taking a break from the relationship to focus on our own lives. Eventually, I decided to air myself out a little and spent a week at my sister’s place in the south of Spain. 

Then, suddenly, it felt like some kind of thaw. I had worked harder than ever on my cover letters, spammed every job offer under the sun—regardless of expertise—and finally managed to get to a few second rounds. Now, I’m in four separate interview processes. For the first time in a while, I’m feeling cautiously optimistic about the future. 

I also added up all my immediate debts—the ones that need handling as soon as I land a salaried position. The number came to 7,299.87 euros, meaning my current net worth is around -5,918 euros. I guess this is what two and a half years of unemployment and three months of travel will do to your finances. In other words, I’m once again a true proletariat. My only asset is my labor. Can’t wait to start trading hours of my life for a poor exchange rate just to get back to zero. But at least there is hope. 

How much is 100% out of 0?

So a friend of mine called me up yesterday. He’s currently working on a well-paying job in Macau and called to frantically and impatiently make a case that we should bid and purchase a plot of land in Saaremaa, nearby his abode, to start a seasonal italian pizza place and a bar. In any other circumstance I would have jumped on that opportunity. But I was less than enthusiastic. I tried to explain to him as vaguely as possible about my current financial predicaments. He insisted he did not need money, just my time and support. And I struggled to explain to him neither one of those was an option for me. That I needed those same hours to be exchanged into cold, hard currency. That I had outstanding debts to pay and bills to cover. That I couldn’t afford to give up my time, since it was the only transferable currency I had at the moment.

Something about that call made my current situation feel so much more real. I’d been hitting snooze on self pity for months, but having flunked my driving lesson the same day that call came made it so much more real. I suppose things have been a bit shitty for a while, but I’d done my best not to let it get to me too much. Keep up and grinding. And yesterday it felt as if it all came to a screeching halt. 

It’s one thing to be out of a job for a moment, out of free will and wanderlust. It’s a completely different matter to be out of a decent gig for two years in a row, with at least 200 other decent and competent applicants for every position you’re eyeing. Even with getting to the last round on many of those positions, there’s always been someone a bit younger and just a tad more talented. Despite really broadening my skills I still keep coming up a bit short. The harsh reality is the job market is simply in a shitty place, with few opportunities available for my skillset, and with the increasing obsession with bottom lines and profit margins in various industries, the job pools have become really shallow. That thin branch of escitalopram is not meant for such heavy lifting. 

I jokingly say that I only write here when things are bad. But when things are good, you’re simply going through the motions, experiencing them. There’s less room and need for contemplation. Yet when things aren’t great, you need to make space for reflection. 

I guess this is one of those? 

okay, let's go

2023 was a very interesting and relaxing year. It was a year of travelling and letting go of prior inhibitions, of zoning out of relationships and obligations that brought you no enjoyment or evolution, small relapses, more adventures, some drama, arguments and fights, make-ups, shake-ups and a newly found sense of calm. Mostly due to medications. Thanks, Ecitalopram.

1. Social life. Dead. This year saw a big regression in my social life. Despite having more free time than ever, the desire to socialize and mingle was at my lowest. I tried to keep in touch with the loved ones, but due to my hermit life at home, some financial pressures, sudden health issues and reduced social standing due to unemployment made me a little… socially avoidant. That being said, I did spend an obscene amount of time at my mother-in-law’s this year. For the next year… If I’m being honest I don’t want to give any false promises or fake goals. We’ll see. 

2. Career. Dead. This year has been really humbling in terms of career prospects. Mostly filled with procrastination and rejection letters. Getting rejected repeatedly and feeling frustrated for a lack of progression in both my work and my skills. I did take a couple of 3D courses to extend my skills and capabilities, but even there has been very progress since. The travel and everything associated with organizing it took most of the time. So the next years goal? Get a job. A paying job. Consistent office job. No fluff. Just have a sustained income and build up some finances. 

3. Family. Alive. Read point 1. They are still there. Sister is raising her newborn, mother is still working in that dungeon and my partner’s uncle still has cancer. We meet rarely but try to make the most of it. Next year? Mostly the same, I’m afraid. 

4. Investments/finances. Not great. The markets were harsh this year. It would have taken a lot of effort to make good investments this year, especially considering my precarious financial position (you know, being unemployed). But investments don’t have to be purely financial. I went through two introductory courses on 3D graphics and focused mostly on bettering my mental state and five-year relationship. But I wasn’t a complete dummy - I managed to get all the compensations from previous employer, have a full year of financial support and courses from unemployment office and still have most of my savings left. That is… until the fifth item on this list. Next year I expect to advance my skills in UX/UI, develop a skills framework to allow me to work from anywhere in the world, figure out some form of passive or steady income or find a well-paying full-time position to build up some funds to either invest in a down payment or do round 2 of travelling. I am open to all options. I just don’t want to stay still. 

5. Travel. Venice, Florence, Rome, Stockholm, Helsinki, Kutaisi, Grigoleti, Tbilisi, Kathmandu, Nagarkot, Pokhara, Bangkok, Ao Nang, Khao Sok, Surat Thani, Nong Khai, Vientiane, Vang Vieng, Luang Prabang, Chiang Mai, Koh Phangan, Manchester, Huddersfield, Liverpool, Riga. Or something like that. The big trip finally happened. 90 days of relentless adventure. I expected to be exhausted by this, longing to get back. But being back has been anything but pleasure. Even though I would love nothing more than to turn around and do a second round, at the moment I need to focus on my career and finances. Build up some buffer. 

kes pudelit ei korja, see krooni ei saa

Kui ma mõned nädalad tagasi avaldasin soovi aega ja võimalust asju läbi mõelda, ei olnud ma võib-olla päris kirglikult valmis variandiks, et see võimalus nii kiirelt tuleb. Ent kui reede pärastlõunal mu ülemused mind kõnesse tõmbasid, ei kulunud just üleliia kaua aru saamiseks, millest jutt hakkab olema. Paar bürokraatlikku pisiasja, mõned kasinad viisakused ja läksin rahulikult oma lauda ja kappi puhastama. 

But here's the thing - I HAD been planning for this. Juba enne eelmiselt kohalt lahkumist olin valmis variandiks, et uuel kohal ei pruugi kõik lilleline olla ning võib-olla olen pannud oma panused valele hobusele. Seega olin rohkelt puhverdanud oma sääste, planeerinud nii kodukontori võimalusi, soetanud uue arvuti ning muid tehnilisi vahendeid ning valmistanud end igakülgselt ette olukorraks, kus ma ühel päeval end igapäevaselt enam kella peale kontorisse ei pea jooksutama.

Mitte ainult - suuresti tänu elukaaslasele olin ka põhjalikult kaardistanud töötukassa poolt pakutavaid lahendusi ning teadlik, et kui kõik tähed peaks sirgel mu ette riita langema ja mu töösuhe peaks mingil põhjusel lõppema katseajal, võin kõigi eelduste kohaselt kuni järgmised 100 päeva saada 60% oma eelmise aasta keskmisest töötasust (ning peale seda 40%). Saada pool kuupalka absoluutselt mitte kui millegi tegemise eest (eeldusel, et kasutan siis seda aega reaalselt enese täiendamiseks ning tegemaks asju, mida pikalt olin soovinud) ei ole just halb tehing. Eriti, kui olen sellesse maksude näol juba aastaid investeerinud. 

Lisaks, kui ma ei eksi, võiks see lükata ka mu selle aasta sissetulekud alla mingi lävendi, mis võimaldaks järgmisel aastal rohkem maksutagastust taodelda. I think. Not sure. Whatever. Squeeze every penny my man. 

maybe that ain't quite it

Umbes poolteist kuud tagasi tegin oma eelmise tööga mõneks ajaks lõpparve. Tekkis võimalus proovida edu uues keskkonnas ning kuna olin eelmises täpselt viie aasta vältel hea palga ja rahuliku töö peal jube paksuks ja laisaks läinud, siis tundsin, et oleks õige hetk teha see drastiline liigutus ning end maast lahti rebida, et uutesse kõrgustesse tõusta.  

 Esimesed paar nädalat olid ekstaatilised. Juba esimesest päevast istusin de facto kõigil koosolekutel ning olin hõlmatud kõikmõeldavate projektidega. Spontaanselt sain ülesandeid ja väljakutseid paremalt ja vasakult, mis panid igakülgselt mu oskusi proovile ning võimaldasid haarata ka sabast kinni asjadel, mida ma justkui peaks oskama, ent mille ise aastateks soiku olin jätnud. Teiseks nädalaks tegin pilti, katsetasin uusi rakendusi, liigutasin motionit ja lõikasin videot. LrC, Ps, Ai, Ae, Pr ja Xd huugasid täiega. Tagatipuks haarati mind veel kaasa ühte grafitiprojekti nii foto kui teostuse osas, kuna kolleegil polnud võimalik ise osaleda. Raske, väljakutseid täis, ent põnev.  

Ja siis eelmisel nädalal tõmmati mind ootamatult ühe suure kliendi tööde pealt maha, millesse ma end justkui olin just jõudnud sisse elada. Tulin esmaspäeval tööle ja sain teada, et on otsustatud teisiti ja nüüd oleks ühel teisel tiimil vaja hoopis 130 kahepoolset kaelakaarti. Ja lootuses, et nädal veidi leevendust toob, siis nädala lõpuks sain enda kaela terve posu mingi kolmanda kliendi bännereid. Neidsamu, mida ma käsi südamel olin vandunud, et ma mitte kui kunagi kellegi heaks teha ei kavatse.  

Ja siis see nädal leiab mind ägamas nende bännerite all. Kõik vähegi põnevad asjad, millega ma end eelnevatel nädalatel sain siduda on kadunud kui tina tuhka. Kõik fotoprojektid, igasugu liikuvad jullad ja ägedad värvilised sotsiaalmeediajubinad.  

Ma seadsin töölt lahkumisega endale eesmärgiks, et tähtis pole niivõrd uues kohas sisse sulanduda ja ellu jääda, kuivõrd leida endale see õige uus koht. Koht, kus ma ise sisse sulanduks. Koht, kuhu ma sobiks. Kui ma olin valmis loobuma oma mugavast pehmest laisast kontoritööst, siis seda eesmärgil, et teha mõtestatumat tegevust, mis võimaldaks mul rohkem end loominguliselt teostada. Hetke seisuga tunnen end taaskord kui sibi kellegi teise unistuste tarbeks. 

Äkki reklaam pole ikka päris see? Või olen ma taaskord lihtsalt valel aasal?  

I need a damn vacation to think things through.

I'm all out of me

For the past few weeks, I feel like I've worn myself thin between different people. Like there is no more myself to give. I'm all out of me. And I've come to realize It's not me who's lacking with emotional output - it's the excessive emotional dependencies of other people that are draining me. And I don't know what the best course of action is. Obviously, those people need me, but a complete lack of boundaries on all of their part makes them feel entitled to subjugate me to each of their emotional whims.

Bad Investments

Kannustatuna suurest hurraast, et ma jaanuari lõpus nii riccas olin, otsustasin sukelduda pea ees investeeringutesse. Enam pole ma see vaene proletariaat, kelle kaelal rikkad pursuid saavad ratsutada. Nüüdsest on tulevik mu enese kätes!

Vähemalt nii ma arvasin. Ilma viitsimata vähimalgi määral süveneda (peale ühe 4lk pikkuse blogipostituse) suunasin kiirelt sadakond eurot LHV Kasvukontole. Nähes, et juba päevadega portfelli väärtus euro võrra oli kasvanud, suunasin sinna sadakond eurot lisaks. Kuid kuna hetkel on turud üsnagi volatiilses seisus ning juba viimased kümme aastat kõva bull peal, siis on oodata peatset investeeringute väärtuse kahanemist. Juba kuu viimastel päevadel sain tunda, kuidas mu neljast eurost kasumist oli saanud kuus eurot kahjumit. (9nda märtsi seisuga rohkem nagu -50€).

Samuti tegin lõpuks esimesed isiklikud ostud Funderbeamis. Ostsin väriseva käega osakuid idufirmadesse, millesse olin olnud piisavalt tahumatu ja vaene paar aastat tagasi investeerimaks. Suure hurraaga ostsin veel poole lisaks. Ning hetke seisuga on mu osakud punases (loe: tasuks tegelikult juurde osta). Aga eks ma panustan ka nende puhul pikemale kasvule. Et kuskil kümmekonna aasta pärast oleks hea neid kõrgema väärtusega edasi lükata.

Kogu selle pullitamise ning pillamise tõttu on mu lootused sel kuul 50% palgast kõrvale panna korralikult tümaks tehtud. Eks peab mõnesaja euroga palgapäevani (ülehomme) välja vedama. Õnneks peagi laekuv ülemakstud tulumaks veidi aitab.

The Invention of Lying

I know when I started lying.

I was maybe four years old. I would often play with my nephew and he would often cause a mess or break something. Sometimes it was the both of us. Kids play, things happen. But despite my attempts to try and explain the situation I’d always take a beating. My attempts at setting the record straight were futile. If he had broken something it was his word against mine. And my words were weaker.

So I learned how to lie. I leaned how to mitigate truth. How to reframe the reality. How to avoid the direct fallout from my mistakes by using half-truths and inaccuracies. And for a while it worked. Less beatings and less punishments.

In fact, it worked so damn well that when I made it to my teens, it became my default modus operandi. Whenever there were missed deadlines or even simple slip-ups I'd lie. When I was lazy and wanted to avoid obligations, I'd lie. It was a defence mechanism. It was easier to avoid truth than to deal with consequences.

Eventually things got worse. It started to significantly hinder my career and education. I'd get into trouble. But it was still my default hardwired behaviour. Whenever I'd find myself in a sticky situation I'd default to illustrating the truth.

So, as a last desparate attempt, I learned how to be bad at lying. I would contradict myself, miss emotional cues, intentionally talk myself in. Make my lies implausible and wouldn't follow through with them. I made it impossible for me to lie effectively. So eventually I'd have to come clean.

It had moderate success. It still did not help me get better at life. But it forced me to be mildly more honest. To learn to trust people again. To build rapport. To accept that life is not a zero-sum game - with winners and losers - but a symbiosis.

That to become trusted again, one must trust themselves.

Binary Descisions

For the past year I've often found myself in a situation where I have to make a simple binary descision - option A or option B. No gray area - just a simple A or B. Bring milk or not bring milk. And in those moments I've never known what choice to make - it is only in hindsight that I'll know whether I've made the right call or what the best option would have been.

Which is a problem. Because I keep picking the wrong option. Singular moments in my life when my whole future goes in two different lanes and I'll have often managed to choose the poorer option.

Man, am I out of sync with myself.

PS! Post edited for clarity.

eat the frog

Eelmisel reedel sain töönädala lõpetuseks mõnusa ootamatu uudise kaela - nimelt oli mind ootamatult vaja nädalavahetuseks baari appi. See uudis tuli üsna halva ajastusega, kuna olin end lasknud nädalavaheuseks ka teise baari tööle panna. Lisaks oli olnud eelviimane nädal, masinad ei toiminud korralikult ning üle kõige oleks mul olnud tarvis vaid puhata. Elus täielikult pettununa läksin reede õhul koju ja leidsin eest tühja korteri, kuna neiu oli sõbrannadega välja läinud.

Ja ma läksin magama. Ja see oli fantastiline.

Ja siis järgmisel päeval mõistsin, et fuckit, i'll make the best of it. Virisemisest pole kasu, sest tingimused sellest ei muutu.

Port Authority

Minu geniaalses Ameerika turismireisi plaanis on vaid üks pisike auk - majutus. Ma olin selle pisiasja sootuks viimaseks jätnud. Tegin aasta alguses researchi ära neli kuud ette ja siis nüüd avastasin, et hindadel on vastavalt nõudlusele tendents muutuda. Ups.

Tundub, et ka parimate arvutuste kohaselt ei tuleks säästutripist säästutripp. Ja päris full-on rikkuritripiks mul vahendeid pole. Mis toobki tõsiasjani, et ehk peaks oma ressursse kuidagi arukamalt kasutama?

Mäletan, kui eelmine aasta emaga euroopas sai tripitud, olin uhke, et olin paar sotti kõrvale pannud ja ei pidanud otseselt raha pärast põdema (va. need pagana rongipiletid). Seekord on kogunenud veidi suurem ja üsna substantial summa, mille iga ratsionaalne inimene investeeriks hoopis oma karjääri edendamisse. Kuid peale umbes 13 kuud 40 tundi nädalas pausideta dead-end töö peal rügamist... all i want is a vacation.

And fuck no am I sleeping in no damn hostel. I'm an adult.

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image courtesy of Graphic Stamps by Unit Editions (via WeTransfer)

halfway homeless

There's no nice way of putting this, but for the very first time in my life it's either one friend or the other, no middle path. No compromise. There can only be one.

One of them is my on-again-off-again girlfriend whom I've tried to dump for months, only to be pulled back even stronger. The other is my best friend, a person who could read my thoughts without me even having them, yet has recently been very obsessive, bitter and judgmental - not quite the vibes I need in my life.

I'm not quite ready to let go but we are drifting apart, so fast, so hard. Thankfully I have a harbor.