fertilizer

I guess you have to appreciate the little wins in life. When my bank account started to scrape absolute zero last week, I randomly noticed the price of bitcoin had gone up, and remembered I had copped some way back when. Turns out it had appreciated in value quite a bit. Not a lot, but still - enough to cover a months worth of expenses, if needed. 

I then had messed up booking a dentists appointment. I had long hit snooze on it due to financial situation, but felt I needed to go stat due to a sensitive tooth. Managed to get one the very next day and had a wisdom tooth removed. Costs with the dental care benefit - 48 euros. Not nothing, but way better than I expected. 

Then got a call with an offer for Go3 subscription with HBO Max and Paramount+ included for 5.49 per month. It's an expense, but a reasonable one. A little win. 

The psychologists visit cost as much as my annual Hot Wheels budget, but it was a bit unavoidable. I guess. 

-7299.87

January was all about eating crow. Not much was happening career-wise—everything had dried up. Things got so sour we had serious talks about taking a break from the relationship to focus on our own lives. Eventually, I decided to air myself out a little and spent a week at my sister’s place in the south of Spain. 

Then, suddenly, it felt like some kind of thaw. I had worked harder than ever on my cover letters, spammed every job offer under the sun—regardless of expertise—and finally managed to get to a few second rounds. Now, I’m in four separate interview processes. For the first time in a while, I’m feeling cautiously optimistic about the future. 

I also added up all my immediate debts—the ones that need handling as soon as I land a salaried position. The number came to 7,299.87 euros, meaning my current net worth is around -5,918 euros. I guess this is what two and a half years of unemployment and three months of travel will do to your finances. In other words, I’m once again a true proletariat. My only asset is my labor. Can’t wait to start trading hours of my life for a poor exchange rate just to get back to zero. But at least there is hope. 

How much is 100% out of 0?

So a friend of mine called me up yesterday. He’s currently working on a well-paying job in Macau and called to frantically and impatiently make a case that we should bid and purchase a plot of land in Saaremaa, nearby his abode, to start a seasonal italian pizza place and a bar. In any other circumstance I would have jumped on that opportunity. But I was less than enthusiastic. I tried to explain to him as vaguely as possible about my current financial predicaments. He insisted he did not need money, just my time and support. And I struggled to explain to him neither one of those was an option for me. That I needed those same hours to be exchanged into cold, hard currency. That I had outstanding debts to pay and bills to cover. That I couldn’t afford to give up my time, since it was the only transferable currency I had at the moment.

Something about that call made my current situation feel so much more real. I’d been hitting snooze on self pity for months, but having flunked my driving lesson the same day that call came made it so much more real. I suppose things have been a bit shitty for a while, but I’d done my best not to let it get to me too much. Keep up and grinding. And yesterday it felt as if it all came to a screeching halt. 

It’s one thing to be out of a job for a moment, out of free will and wanderlust. It’s a completely different matter to be out of a decent gig for two years in a row, with at least 200 other decent and competent applicants for every position you’re eyeing. Even with getting to the last round on many of those positions, there’s always been someone a bit younger and just a tad more talented. Despite really broadening my skills I still keep coming up a bit short. The harsh reality is the job market is simply in a shitty place, with few opportunities available for my skillset, and with the increasing obsession with bottom lines and profit margins in various industries, the job pools have become really shallow. That thin branch of escitalopram is not meant for such heavy lifting. 

I jokingly say that I only write here when things are bad. But when things are good, you’re simply going through the motions, experiencing them. There’s less room and need for contemplation. Yet when things aren’t great, you need to make space for reflection. 

I guess this is one of those? 

Strap on your job helmet

 

That’s pretty much accurate. In the past two years, I’ve had a couple of really solid leads for a position that I haven’t managed to secure for whatever reason. In a couple of cases, it was due to my own high level of self-criticism; in others, it was due to very rough competition or other plans that conflicted directly with the position. But now, after sending what feels like dozens of applications and not even getting an automated response back, it’s starting to feel a little scary. I am in a position where I have the luxury of holding out for a great offer, yet it starts to feel as if there might not be any of those any time soon.

Anyways, I’ve been so bored that I’ve done a few different courses in business and computer graphics. It hasn’t actually helped me land a job, but it’s kept me busy. And in the end, isn’t that the most important thing? To just keep busy?

A whole lot of problems

Täna oli veits sitt päev. Elukaaslasel oli tööga seoses sitt tuju, mul oli intensiivne koolituspäev raamatupidamise teemal. Selgus, et üks ettevõte oli saatnud mulle proovitöö ning ma polnud seda meili lihtsalt märganud. Lisaks selgus, et tasuta Figma koolitusele registreerimine lõppes 02.06, kolm päeva tagasi, ning oli välja kuulutatud juba kuu tagasi. Mida ma polnud märganud, kuna nende koduleht oli kipakas ja ma ei leidnud seda infot sealt üles. Tagatipuks on mu firma koduleht (mis, iroonilisel kombel, on mu firma üks suurematest kuluartiklitest) hetkel maas, kuna soovisin selle uuele hostingupaketile üle kolida, aga selleks, et seda teha, peavad mul mõlemad paketid korraga aktiivsed olema. Ning mu eelmine pakett aegus… 02.06. Ehk juhhei. 

Lisaks pole mul aega olnud käia ämma lekkivat bideed parandamas ning rõdu oleks vaja veel tänase jooksul üle lakkida.

A whole lot of problems ühesõnaga. 

okay, let's go

2023 was a very interesting and relaxing year. It was a year of travelling and letting go of prior inhibitions, of zoning out of relationships and obligations that brought you no enjoyment or evolution, small relapses, more adventures, some drama, arguments and fights, make-ups, shake-ups and a newly found sense of calm. Mostly due to medications. Thanks, Ecitalopram.

1. Social life. Dead. This year saw a big regression in my social life. Despite having more free time than ever, the desire to socialize and mingle was at my lowest. I tried to keep in touch with the loved ones, but due to my hermit life at home, some financial pressures, sudden health issues and reduced social standing due to unemployment made me a little… socially avoidant. That being said, I did spend an obscene amount of time at my mother-in-law’s this year. For the next year… If I’m being honest I don’t want to give any false promises or fake goals. We’ll see. 

2. Career. Dead. This year has been really humbling in terms of career prospects. Mostly filled with procrastination and rejection letters. Getting rejected repeatedly and feeling frustrated for a lack of progression in both my work and my skills. I did take a couple of 3D courses to extend my skills and capabilities, but even there has been very progress since. The travel and everything associated with organizing it took most of the time. So the next years goal? Get a job. A paying job. Consistent office job. No fluff. Just have a sustained income and build up some finances. 

3. Family. Alive. Read point 1. They are still there. Sister is raising her newborn, mother is still working in that dungeon and my partner’s uncle still has cancer. We meet rarely but try to make the most of it. Next year? Mostly the same, I’m afraid. 

4. Investments/finances. Not great. The markets were harsh this year. It would have taken a lot of effort to make good investments this year, especially considering my precarious financial position (you know, being unemployed). But investments don’t have to be purely financial. I went through two introductory courses on 3D graphics and focused mostly on bettering my mental state and five-year relationship. But I wasn’t a complete dummy - I managed to get all the compensations from previous employer, have a full year of financial support and courses from unemployment office and still have most of my savings left. That is… until the fifth item on this list. Next year I expect to advance my skills in UX/UI, develop a skills framework to allow me to work from anywhere in the world, figure out some form of passive or steady income or find a well-paying full-time position to build up some funds to either invest in a down payment or do round 2 of travelling. I am open to all options. I just don’t want to stay still. 

5. Travel. Venice, Florence, Rome, Stockholm, Helsinki, Kutaisi, Grigoleti, Tbilisi, Kathmandu, Nagarkot, Pokhara, Bangkok, Ao Nang, Khao Sok, Surat Thani, Nong Khai, Vientiane, Vang Vieng, Luang Prabang, Chiang Mai, Koh Phangan, Manchester, Huddersfield, Liverpool, Riga. Or something like that. The big trip finally happened. 90 days of relentless adventure. I expected to be exhausted by this, longing to get back. But being back has been anything but pleasure. Even though I would love nothing more than to turn around and do a second round, at the moment I need to focus on my career and finances. Build up some buffer. 

maybe that ain't quite it

Umbes poolteist kuud tagasi tegin oma eelmise tööga mõneks ajaks lõpparve. Tekkis võimalus proovida edu uues keskkonnas ning kuna olin eelmises täpselt viie aasta vältel hea palga ja rahuliku töö peal jube paksuks ja laisaks läinud, siis tundsin, et oleks õige hetk teha see drastiline liigutus ning end maast lahti rebida, et uutesse kõrgustesse tõusta.  

 Esimesed paar nädalat olid ekstaatilised. Juba esimesest päevast istusin de facto kõigil koosolekutel ning olin hõlmatud kõikmõeldavate projektidega. Spontaanselt sain ülesandeid ja väljakutseid paremalt ja vasakult, mis panid igakülgselt mu oskusi proovile ning võimaldasid haarata ka sabast kinni asjadel, mida ma justkui peaks oskama, ent mille ise aastateks soiku olin jätnud. Teiseks nädalaks tegin pilti, katsetasin uusi rakendusi, liigutasin motionit ja lõikasin videot. LrC, Ps, Ai, Ae, Pr ja Xd huugasid täiega. Tagatipuks haarati mind veel kaasa ühte grafitiprojekti nii foto kui teostuse osas, kuna kolleegil polnud võimalik ise osaleda. Raske, väljakutseid täis, ent põnev.  

Ja siis eelmisel nädalal tõmmati mind ootamatult ühe suure kliendi tööde pealt maha, millesse ma end justkui olin just jõudnud sisse elada. Tulin esmaspäeval tööle ja sain teada, et on otsustatud teisiti ja nüüd oleks ühel teisel tiimil vaja hoopis 130 kahepoolset kaelakaarti. Ja lootuses, et nädal veidi leevendust toob, siis nädala lõpuks sain enda kaela terve posu mingi kolmanda kliendi bännereid. Neidsamu, mida ma käsi südamel olin vandunud, et ma mitte kui kunagi kellegi heaks teha ei kavatse.  

Ja siis see nädal leiab mind ägamas nende bännerite all. Kõik vähegi põnevad asjad, millega ma end eelnevatel nädalatel sain siduda on kadunud kui tina tuhka. Kõik fotoprojektid, igasugu liikuvad jullad ja ägedad värvilised sotsiaalmeediajubinad.  

Ma seadsin töölt lahkumisega endale eesmärgiks, et tähtis pole niivõrd uues kohas sisse sulanduda ja ellu jääda, kuivõrd leida endale see õige uus koht. Koht, kus ma ise sisse sulanduks. Koht, kuhu ma sobiks. Kui ma olin valmis loobuma oma mugavast pehmest laisast kontoritööst, siis seda eesmärgil, et teha mõtestatumat tegevust, mis võimaldaks mul rohkem end loominguliselt teostada. Hetke seisuga tunnen end taaskord kui sibi kellegi teise unistuste tarbeks. 

Äkki reklaam pole ikka päris see? Või olen ma taaskord lihtsalt valel aasal?  

I need a damn vacation to think things through.

I'm all out of me

For the past few weeks, I feel like I've worn myself thin between different people. Like there is no more myself to give. I'm all out of me. And I've come to realize It's not me who's lacking with emotional output - it's the excessive emotional dependencies of other people that are draining me. And I don't know what the best course of action is. Obviously, those people need me, but a complete lack of boundaries on all of their part makes them feel entitled to subjugate me to each of their emotional whims.

trivial pursuits

Umbes kuskil eelmisel nädalal sõitis mul korraks katus ära.

Enne eelmisi jõule olin kindel, et pean rahaliselt peale seda veel tükk aega käppa imema. Kuid kui peale pikki pühi ning nii 400+ eest kingituste ostmist jäi mul veel üle raha igakuiseks säästmiseks, sõitis mul korraks katus ära.

Tegin suure hurraaga ära ka paar pisemat ostu, mida kuid kuni aastaid olin edasi lükanud. Ja peale seda oli järsku... Mis siis nüüd? Põhivajadused on justkui kaetud, soe korter ja kõik eluks vajalik. Lappasin oma pikaajaliste ostude nimekirja, ning kõik tundus nii tühine ning materjalistlik. On mul vaja uut amoled nutikella? Uut kohvimasinat? Tagavaraläpakat? Robottolmuimejat? Need kõik olid vaid asjad. Esemed. Tarbetu tavaar. Consumerist garbage. Eriti, kuna paljude asjade puhul oli nende jahtimine just see põnevaim osa asjast. Peale ostu sooritust seisis suur osa neist asjadest nukralt nurgas.

Aga millega asendada tarbimisest saadava endorfiinipuhangu puudumist? Umbes peale nädalast värisemist sõitis lõpuks lahendus justkui kaubarong mu kolbast sisse. Nii elegantne, nii glamuurne, nii närvekõditav lahendus.

Ma hakkan fucking aktsiaid ostma.

The Invention of Lying

I know when I started lying.

I was maybe four years old. I would often play with my nephew and he would often cause a mess or break something. Sometimes it was the both of us. Kids play, things happen. But despite my attempts to try and explain the situation I’d always take a beating. My attempts at setting the record straight were futile. If he had broken something it was his word against mine. And my words were weaker.

So I learned how to lie. I leaned how to mitigate truth. How to reframe the reality. How to avoid the direct fallout from my mistakes by using half-truths and inaccuracies. And for a while it worked. Less beatings and less punishments.

In fact, it worked so damn well that when I made it to my teens, it became my default modus operandi. Whenever there were missed deadlines or even simple slip-ups I'd lie. When I was lazy and wanted to avoid obligations, I'd lie. It was a defence mechanism. It was easier to avoid truth than to deal with consequences.

Eventually things got worse. It started to significantly hinder my career and education. I'd get into trouble. But it was still my default hardwired behaviour. Whenever I'd find myself in a sticky situation I'd default to illustrating the truth.

So, as a last desparate attempt, I learned how to be bad at lying. I would contradict myself, miss emotional cues, intentionally talk myself in. Make my lies implausible and wouldn't follow through with them. I made it impossible for me to lie effectively. So eventually I'd have to come clean.

It had moderate success. It still did not help me get better at life. But it forced me to be mildly more honest. To learn to trust people again. To build rapport. To accept that life is not a zero-sum game - with winners and losers - but a symbiosis.

That to become trusted again, one must trust themselves.

Binary Descisions

For the past year I've often found myself in a situation where I have to make a simple binary descision - option A or option B. No gray area - just a simple A or B. Bring milk or not bring milk. And in those moments I've never known what choice to make - it is only in hindsight that I'll know whether I've made the right call or what the best option would have been.

Which is a problem. Because I keep picking the wrong option. Singular moments in my life when my whole future goes in two different lanes and I'll have often managed to choose the poorer option.

Man, am I out of sync with myself.

PS! Post edited for clarity.

Fubar

Kobayashi Maru

What a bitch of a morning.

Kui su elus on kaks inimest, kes mõlemad tahavad mingil põhjusel samal toolil istuda ja sa sellest hoolimata üritad kompromissi leida... ja seda lihtsalt ei ole?

Lose-lose situation.

so much happening

See feel, kui avastad, et su endine best friend on sind facebookist maha võtnud. Burns!

Sel nädalal on kõik eelmiste nädalate asjad kuidagi kulmineerunud. Et kõik varasemalt mulda küntud seemned on oma viljad maha saanud või umbrohtu kasvanud ning jooksed kõpla ja kastekannuga vagude vahel, et mis jääb ja mis peab minema. Eriti sel nädalal.

Võtsin neljapäeval süüdimatult poolvaba haiguspäeva, sest ei suutnud tempoga kaasas püsida. No ragrets, õigesse kohta läks.

Ja see ei tundu, nagu see oleks tulnud liiga kiiresti - pigem see, et nüüd on see hetk käes, kus mingeid vastuseid enam vältida pole võimalik. Tööl on tunda veits silmuse kitsenemist ja sõbrad ning sõbrannad ootavad paikapanevaid otsuseid. Selline tunne, nagu seisaks rambivalguses, publik vaikuses ootamas, et "noh, ütle lõpuks midagi". Ja parim, mis sa teha saad, on improviseerida puusalt.

So much shit happening right now... I need a fucking vaca.

PS! Sidenote. Kunagine parim sõps võttis kind-of ühendust. So I have that going for me which is nice, i guess.

veits random

>be me 4am
>horrible banging on the door
>go see, some random chick, nuclear hammered
>can i help you
>noop, just walks in
>i'm like, yeah, sure, whatever
>starts making out

i wish i was making that up.