To me, the perfume signaled a good deal - something I had been looking for for quite a while, working among good-smelling people. Something that made me very self-conscious, something I had planned to acquire for my birthday. Something that could help with my self-confidence and presentation. In that context, spending 40 bucks for something that lasts years to come seemed almost trivial, a rounding error.
For her, though, it was yet another example in an ever-growing set of examples of me not taking my financial situation seriously.
Part of me couldn’t help but be annoyed by the simple fact it would have been a small little thing for me, in the context of our biggest expense easily - groceries. So every time some fancy cabbage or obscure fruit found its way to the basket, I felt a sense of resentment. She was in a position to make those expenses, I was not. She had the salad days, I was camp buckwheat porridge. And so I struggled to take her position seriously. I mean, in the context of the heat death of the universe… I mean, come on. 40 bucks. Really?
But I do understand I was subconsciously signaling something else - a sense of carelessness at her cost. She had taken a significant financial hit with my situation, and seeing me eyeing such trivialities must have seemed surreal.
So I bought it in secret. And lied about it. It’ll even pay off eventually. One day I’ll come clean, but not today.
Today I’ll just smell great.
