Hugo Boss

A couple of weeks ago we had a major conflict over something I saw as trivial at the time - a Hugo Boss perfume. Namely, a significantly discounted Hugo Boss perfume off a tax-free shelf - an ostensibly good deal in my book. Not for her, though, leading to one of the biggest conflicts in the history of our relationship.

To me, the perfume signaled a good deal - something I had been looking for for quite a while, working among good-smelling people. Something that made me very self-conscious, something I had planned to acquire for my birthday. Something that could help with my self-confidence and presentation. In that context, spending 40 bucks for something that lasts years to come seemed almost trivial, a rounding error.

For her, though, it was yet another example in an ever-growing set of examples of me not taking my financial situation seriously.

Part of me couldn’t help but be annoyed by the simple fact it would have been a small little thing for me, in the context of our biggest expense easily - groceries. So every time some fancy cabbage or obscure fruit found its way to the basket, I felt a sense of resentment. She was in a position to make those expenses, I was not. She had the salad days, I was camp buckwheat porridge. And so I struggled to take her position seriously. I mean, in the context of the heat death of the universe… I mean, come on. 40 bucks. Really?

But I do understand I was subconsciously signaling something else - a sense of carelessness at her cost. She had taken a significant financial hit with my situation, and seeing me eyeing such trivialities must have seemed surreal.

So I bought it in secret. And lied about it. It’ll even pay off eventually. One day I’ll come clean, but not today. 

Today I’ll just smell great.

How good news can ruin a day.

A good news can ruin a day. All it took was one notification on my phone, one I hadn’t seen yet, nor swiped away. It was an email from a job I applied to recently, a good offer, but it wasn’t a good incident.  The morning had started with a horrible rainstorm, so we decided to commute to work with a rental that just happened to be nearby, as if by a miracle. I was driving, in hectic peak rush-hour traffic, operating a motor vehicle, worst intersection in Tallinn, and then my girlfriend just grabbed my phone to change the song and instead opened the email and went through the entire thread. And got really pissed off that I had seemingly been procrastinating on it.

I don’t mind if she knows what’s going on in my life, I don’t even mind if she sees my stuff—but this felt like the worst violation. Ambushed. Total violation. Why did I, when I had applied for a job, ask follow-up questions on the same date as the due date? I didn’t have a good answer. Traffic, life, rush hour, worst intersection, couldn’t think. No mental capacity.

And of course, the worst part? She was right. She saw right through my ruse. I HAD been procrastinating on this one. I had no good idea for that. Pissed me off. Worst place, worst time, worst moment ever. Morning started well, everything going great, then irony hits: email from the employer, they loved my work, good news, but my partner gets left out. And she proceeds to grill me, why haven’t you responded sooner? Because, of course, in her mind it fits a pattern—me avoiding duties—but the timing, the traffic, the whole situation, completely wrong.

I’m stuck. No money for a drastic move. Emotionally exhausted. Unemployed, feeling worthless but capable, and having someone point out how you’re “doing things wrong” in the middle of rush-hour life? Unhelpful, to say the least.

fertilizer

I guess you have to appreciate the little wins in life. When my bank account started to scrape absolute zero last week, I randomly noticed the price of bitcoin had gone up, and remembered I had copped some way back when. Turns out it had appreciated in value quite a bit. Not a lot, but still - enough to cover a months worth of expenses, if needed. 

I then had messed up booking a dentists appointment. I had long hit snooze on it due to financial situation, but felt I needed to go stat due to a sensitive tooth. Managed to get one the very next day and had a wisdom tooth removed. Costs with the dental care benefit - 48 euros. Not nothing, but way better than I expected. 

Then got a call with an offer for Go3 subscription with HBO Max and Paramount+ included for 5.49 per month. It's an expense, but a reasonable one. A little win. 

The psychologists visit cost as much as my annual Hot Wheels budget, but it was a bit unavoidable. I guess. 

okay, let's go

2023 was a very interesting and relaxing year. It was a year of travelling and letting go of prior inhibitions, of zoning out of relationships and obligations that brought you no enjoyment or evolution, small relapses, more adventures, some drama, arguments and fights, make-ups, shake-ups and a newly found sense of calm. Mostly due to medications. Thanks, Ecitalopram.

1. Social life. Dead. This year saw a big regression in my social life. Despite having more free time than ever, the desire to socialize and mingle was at my lowest. I tried to keep in touch with the loved ones, but due to my hermit life at home, some financial pressures, sudden health issues and reduced social standing due to unemployment made me a little… socially avoidant. That being said, I did spend an obscene amount of time at my mother-in-law’s this year. For the next year… If I’m being honest I don’t want to give any false promises or fake goals. We’ll see. 

2. Career. Dead. This year has been really humbling in terms of career prospects. Mostly filled with procrastination and rejection letters. Getting rejected repeatedly and feeling frustrated for a lack of progression in both my work and my skills. I did take a couple of 3D courses to extend my skills and capabilities, but even there has been very progress since. The travel and everything associated with organizing it took most of the time. So the next years goal? Get a job. A paying job. Consistent office job. No fluff. Just have a sustained income and build up some finances. 

3. Family. Alive. Read point 1. They are still there. Sister is raising her newborn, mother is still working in that dungeon and my partner’s uncle still has cancer. We meet rarely but try to make the most of it. Next year? Mostly the same, I’m afraid. 

4. Investments/finances. Not great. The markets were harsh this year. It would have taken a lot of effort to make good investments this year, especially considering my precarious financial position (you know, being unemployed). But investments don’t have to be purely financial. I went through two introductory courses on 3D graphics and focused mostly on bettering my mental state and five-year relationship. But I wasn’t a complete dummy - I managed to get all the compensations from previous employer, have a full year of financial support and courses from unemployment office and still have most of my savings left. That is… until the fifth item on this list. Next year I expect to advance my skills in UX/UI, develop a skills framework to allow me to work from anywhere in the world, figure out some form of passive or steady income or find a well-paying full-time position to build up some funds to either invest in a down payment or do round 2 of travelling. I am open to all options. I just don’t want to stay still. 

5. Travel. Venice, Florence, Rome, Stockholm, Helsinki, Kutaisi, Grigoleti, Tbilisi, Kathmandu, Nagarkot, Pokhara, Bangkok, Ao Nang, Khao Sok, Surat Thani, Nong Khai, Vientiane, Vang Vieng, Luang Prabang, Chiang Mai, Koh Phangan, Manchester, Huddersfield, Liverpool, Riga. Or something like that. The big trip finally happened. 90 days of relentless adventure. I expected to be exhausted by this, longing to get back. But being back has been anything but pleasure. Even though I would love nothing more than to turn around and do a second round, at the moment I need to focus on my career and finances. Build up some buffer.