Binary Descisions

For the past year I've often found myself in a situation where I have to make a simple binary descision - option A or option B. No gray area - just a simple A or B. Bring milk or not bring milk. And in those moments I've never known what choice to make - it is only in hindsight that I'll know whether I've made the right call or what the best option would have been.

Which is a problem. Because I keep picking the wrong option. Singular moments in my life when my whole future goes in two different lanes and I'll have often managed to choose the poorer option.

Man, am I out of sync with myself.

PS! Post edited for clarity.

You do you

Man, you are here because of your decisions. This is exactly what you wanted. Otherwise you would have made different decisions.

Or maybe, just maybe you took advice from the wrong fucking people and now are suffering because of that?

I don't fucking know, how could I, I'm just a blog. Make up your damn mind already.

the feeling when someone does something before you without asking and then blames you for not doing it

you either let me do that or you don't get to blame me. it's that simple.

arguing with my girlfriend like

Decisions 2016

I can't stop making bad decisions. God help us all.

For the past year I've done nothing but bad decisions. Every single choice I've had to make has yielded the worst results, yet the only person I can hold accountable is myself. Well, I suppose I've taken my fair share of peer pressure and bad advice as well, but still. To get into a relationship, give up my job AND my damn apartment and to burn all the bridges with my old friends. And for what? Why? Some of the choices I can easily pinpoint to a different era of my life and an attempt to pursue the same goals I had years earlier, when the conditions were different. Those old solutions do not work for new problems however.

And most recently. I had to do a rough price estimate for a client. Despite my best attempts I couldn't reasonably justify a high initial offer. Yet after having added up the cost of the equipment and rentals, it still came short. It will be nowhere near profitable, yet will cost a lot of time and leave little in terms of gains. A promise is a promise, I will have to deliver. But I won't be getting anything out of it in the process. So I'm hoping the project falls through.

Please don't make me decide anything anytime soon. I will fuck this up.

eat the frog

Eelmisel reedel sain töönädala lõpetuseks mõnusa ootamatu uudise kaela - nimelt oli mind ootamatult vaja nädalavahetuseks baari appi. See uudis tuli üsna halva ajastusega, kuna olin end lasknud nädalavaheuseks ka teise baari tööle panna. Lisaks oli olnud eelviimane nädal, masinad ei toiminud korralikult ning üle kõige oleks mul olnud tarvis vaid puhata. Elus täielikult pettununa läksin reede õhul koju ja leidsin eest tühja korteri, kuna neiu oli sõbrannadega välja läinud.

Ja ma läksin magama. Ja see oli fantastiline.

Ja siis järgmisel päeval mõistsin, et fuckit, i'll make the best of it. Virisemisest pole kasu, sest tingimused sellest ei muutu.

Fubar 2.0

Mul on veidi kahju, et mu eilne eepiline rant blogisse ära kustus. Kui tavaliselt tundub hea lasta mõned mõtted lihtsalt minema voolata, on seekord mul isegi kahju, et kogu see konserveeritud sisemine sapp paberi peal kirja ei saanud.

Tl;dr i have wasted my whole life. My life is meaningless.

Fubar

Port Authority

Minu geniaalses Ameerika turismireisi plaanis on vaid üks pisike auk - majutus. Ma olin selle pisiasja sootuks viimaseks jätnud. Tegin aasta alguses researchi ära neli kuud ette ja siis nüüd avastasin, et hindadel on vastavalt nõudlusele tendents muutuda. Ups.

Tundub, et ka parimate arvutuste kohaselt ei tuleks säästutripist säästutripp. Ja päris full-on rikkuritripiks mul vahendeid pole. Mis toobki tõsiasjani, et ehk peaks oma ressursse kuidagi arukamalt kasutama?

Mäletan, kui eelmine aasta emaga euroopas sai tripitud, olin uhke, et olin paar sotti kõrvale pannud ja ei pidanud otseselt raha pärast põdema (va. need pagana rongipiletid). Seekord on kogunenud veidi suurem ja üsna substantial summa, mille iga ratsionaalne inimene investeeriks hoopis oma karjääri edendamisse. Kuid peale umbes 13 kuud 40 tundi nädalas pausideta dead-end töö peal rügamist... all i want is a vacation.

And fuck no am I sleeping in no damn hostel. I'm an adult.

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image courtesy of Graphic Stamps by Unit Editions (via WeTransfer)

An exciting fear

So I accidentally quit my job today. The boss lady came over to tell me how one of the workers had quit and how we could handle the vacation process and... I slyly dropped the bomb. It felt akward. Awkwardly liberating.

I can't remember the last time grass smelled that fresh, the air buzzing from anticipation, sizzling in my hair. It was an incredible, undescribable sense of freedom, combined with a sense of fear about the future.

But it was an exciting fear.

halfway homeless

There's no nice way of putting this, but for the very first time in my life it's either one friend or the other, no middle path. No compromise. There can only be one.

One of them is my on-again-off-again girlfriend whom I've tried to dump for months, only to be pulled back even stronger. The other is my best friend, a person who could read my thoughts without me even having them, yet has recently been very obsessive, bitter and judgmental - not quite the vibes I need in my life.

I'm not quite ready to let go but we are drifting apart, so fast, so hard. Thankfully I have a harbor.

Relationshit problems

People get into relationships for mainly two reasons - they either like the convenience or they really like the other person.

Why am I in a relationship?

anna aega atra seada

Inimesed küsivad minult tihti, et mis mu plaan on või mida ma teha kavatsen. Ja ma ei saa neile midagi vastata, sest mul pole olnud aega selliste asjade peale mõelda. Kogu viimase aja käitumine on olnud pigem reageerimine, kui et planeerimine.

Mul oleks veidi privaatsust vaja, et asjad läbi mõelda. Asju hakkab juhtuma.

NutriBar™

I don't have the time, energy or necessary means to feed someones ego.

Kobayashi Maru

What a bitch of a morning.

Kui su elus on kaks inimest, kes mõlemad tahavad mingil põhjusel samal toolil istuda ja sa sellest hoolimata üritad kompromissi leida... ja seda lihtsalt ei ole?

Lose-lose situation.

Nädalakoroskoop: 24.10.2015-30.10.2015

Töötamine ei edene eriti. Ajuti võib sind lausa laiskus vallata, nii mõnigi ülesanne tundub ebameeldivalt tüütu ning kipud selle täitmist edasi lükkama. Sind köidavad hoopis kergemad ja lõbusamad teemad – naudid inimeste hulgas viibimist, uute tutvuste loomist, tantsu ja flirti.

so much happening

See feel, kui avastad, et su endine best friend on sind facebookist maha võtnud. Burns!

Sel nädalal on kõik eelmiste nädalate asjad kuidagi kulmineerunud. Et kõik varasemalt mulda küntud seemned on oma viljad maha saanud või umbrohtu kasvanud ning jooksed kõpla ja kastekannuga vagude vahel, et mis jääb ja mis peab minema. Eriti sel nädalal.

Võtsin neljapäeval süüdimatult poolvaba haiguspäeva, sest ei suutnud tempoga kaasas püsida. No ragrets, õigesse kohta läks.

Ja see ei tundu, nagu see oleks tulnud liiga kiiresti - pigem see, et nüüd on see hetk käes, kus mingeid vastuseid enam vältida pole võimalik. Tööl on tunda veits silmuse kitsenemist ja sõbrad ning sõbrannad ootavad paikapanevaid otsuseid. Selline tunne, nagu seisaks rambivalguses, publik vaikuses ootamas, et "noh, ütle lõpuks midagi". Ja parim, mis sa teha saad, on improviseerida puusalt.

So much shit happening right now... I need a fucking vaca.

PS! Sidenote. Kunagine parim sõps võttis kind-of ühendust. So I have that going for me which is nice, i guess.

a new low?

Tänane päev on mitmeski mõttes a new low mu käitumise seisukohalt. Mõeldes tagasi oma öistele tegevustele ei saa kohe mingit pidi uhke olla. Ma luban endale ikka veits liiga palju.

Also, the alcoholism. I need help.

New Romance

Sometimes you blast a song in your headphones for days before noticing that shit as lyrics and such. And then realize those words speak about you. True story.

so i might be a psychopath

narcissist obviously.

[Saucy Sauce]