How good news can ruin a day.

A good news can ruin a day. All it took was one notification on my phone, one I hadn’t seen yet, nor swiped away. It was an email from a job I applied to recently, a good offer, but it wasn’t a good incident.  The morning had started with a horrible rainstorm, so we decided to commute to work with a rental that just happened to be nearby, as if by a miracle. I was driving, in hectic peak rush-hour traffic, operating a motor vehicle, worst intersection in Tallinn, and then my girlfriend just grabbed my phone to change the song and instead opened the email and went through the entire thread. And got really pissed off that I had seemingly been procrastinating on it.

I don’t mind if she knows what’s going on in my life, I don’t even mind if she sees my stuff—but this felt like the worst violation. Ambushed. Total violation. Why did I, when I had applied for a job, ask follow-up questions on the same date as the due date? I didn’t have a good answer. Traffic, life, rush hour, worst intersection, couldn’t think. No mental capacity.

And of course, the worst part? She was right. She saw right through my ruse. I HAD been procrastinating on this one. I had no good idea for that. Pissed me off. Worst place, worst time, worst moment ever. Morning started well, everything going great, then irony hits: email from the employer, they loved my work, good news, but my partner gets left out. And she proceeds to grill me, why haven’t you responded sooner? Because, of course, in her mind it fits a pattern—me avoiding duties—but the timing, the traffic, the whole situation, completely wrong.

I’m stuck. No money for a drastic move. Emotionally exhausted. Unemployed, feeling worthless but capable, and having someone point out how you’re “doing things wrong” in the middle of rush-hour life? Unhelpful, to say the least.

fertilizer

I guess you have to appreciate the little wins in life. When my bank account started to scrape absolute zero last week, I randomly noticed the price of bitcoin had gone up, and remembered I had copped some way back when. Turns out it had appreciated in value quite a bit. Not a lot, but still - enough to cover a months worth of expenses, if needed. 

I then had messed up booking a dentists appointment. I had long hit snooze on it due to financial situation, but felt I needed to go stat due to a sensitive tooth. Managed to get one the very next day and had a wisdom tooth removed. Costs with the dental care benefit - 48 euros. Not nothing, but way better than I expected. 

Then got a call with an offer for Go3 subscription with HBO Max and Paramount+ included for 5.49 per month. It's an expense, but a reasonable one. A little win. 

The psychologists visit cost as much as my annual Hot Wheels budget, but it was a bit unavoidable. I guess. 

Kooliraha ehk kuidas 250 eurost kiirelt 218 eurot teha

Ühesõnaga läksin päeval lõunat ostma. Teadsin, et olin laenanud pisukese nutsu pappi, mis mul kontol alles peaks olema. Olin pannud selle kasvuhoiusele... Sorry, kogumishoiusele, et see 2% aastas lisaks teeniks, sest tasuta raha. Ning siis selgus, et poes ei lähe makse läbi. Pole hullu, proovime teise kaardiga. Ka tühi? Hästi, ma siis tõstan ühelt kontol teisele. Imelik... Kõik kontod justkui nullis. Arusaadav, järelikult on internetiarve maha läinud. Pole hullu, olin sellega arvestanud. Vaatan siis, et olin mingi hetk stonksi müünud, et seal ikka peaks mingid sendid alles olema. Väga hea, kontojääk kakssada midagi. Üritan tavalisele kontole kanda... Ei lase. Imelik. Vaatan siis oma stonksidesse ja... mingil täiesti arusaamatul põhjusel vaatab mulle sealt vastu hunnik SPYW, VWRL ja SXR8 väärtpabereid. Mida sitta, ma kohe kindlasti ei ole proovinud sel nädalal vabatahtlikult S&P500 osta (kui see kunagi teemaks tuleb, siis on tegemist nädalaga, kus Trump just kuulutas, et kõik ameeriklased peaks oma heast vabast tahtest endale Tesla ostma ja ähvardas Euroopa Liidu alkoholile lajatada 200-protsendise tollimaksu). Maksin siis krediitkaardiga ja otsustasin, et mõistatus vaja kiireimas korras lahendada. 

Hiljem kontoris ja peale kurja kõnet oma panka sain lõpuks pihta, mis oli juhtunud - olin kandnud kogumishoiuse asemel kiiruga viimati raha kasvuhoiusele, mõlemal suht sama kontonumber. Vahe siis selles, et kui kasvuhoius, sorry, kogumishoius maksab mulle 2% hoiusest intressi, siis kasvuhoius (mida ma aastaid kasutanud pole) hakkas kohe agaralt ja automaatselt aktsiaid kokku ostma. Nüüd siis selgub, et oma raha tagasi saamiseks oleks kõik need taas ükshaaval turuhinnaga maha vaja müüa (mis, otse loomulikult, on hetkel madalam, kui ostuhetkel). Lisaks tuleb iga eri osaku tüübi pealt maksta ei rohkem ega vähem kui üheksa eurot teenustasu. Mis teeb kogu päeva kogutuluks -31.31 eurot puhtalt kätte. Suht asjalik tehing. 

Mis puudutab aga mu varasemalt müüdud osakuid, mille raha ma kuidagi üle ei saanud kanda - need olid ilmselgelt Suurbritannia naelsterlingutes. Mis tähendas, et need tuli enne virtuaalselt pangas eurodeks vahetada - küll teenustastuta, aga panga kursiga. 

Eks elu õpetab. 

bad at maths

Ühesõnaga mu partner on seriously fucked off about my current predicament. What was supposed to be a brief period of underutilization has become a major hurdle in our personal relationship and a massive source of stress. It is no longer enough that I cook and clean like the house elf that I am, I am being berated for not applying to the most bottom of the barrel job offers. This does really feel like a bottom. 

How much is 100% out of 0?

So a friend of mine called me up yesterday. He’s currently working on a well-paying job in Macau and called to frantically and impatiently make a case that we should bid and purchase a plot of land in Saaremaa, nearby his abode, to start a seasonal italian pizza place and a bar. In any other circumstance I would have jumped on that opportunity. But I was less than enthusiastic. I tried to explain to him as vaguely as possible about my current financial predicaments. He insisted he did not need money, just my time and support. And I struggled to explain to him neither one of those was an option for me. That I needed those same hours to be exchanged into cold, hard currency. That I had outstanding debts to pay and bills to cover. That I couldn’t afford to give up my time, since it was the only transferable currency I had at the moment.

Something about that call made my current situation feel so much more real. I’d been hitting snooze on self pity for months, but having flunked my driving lesson the same day that call came made it so much more real. I suppose things have been a bit shitty for a while, but I’d done my best not to let it get to me too much. Keep up and grinding. And yesterday it felt as if it all came to a screeching halt. 

It’s one thing to be out of a job for a moment, out of free will and wanderlust. It’s a completely different matter to be out of a decent gig for two years in a row, with at least 200 other decent and competent applicants for every position you’re eyeing. Even with getting to the last round on many of those positions, there’s always been someone a bit younger and just a tad more talented. Despite really broadening my skills I still keep coming up a bit short. The harsh reality is the job market is simply in a shitty place, with few opportunities available for my skillset, and with the increasing obsession with bottom lines and profit margins in various industries, the job pools have become really shallow. That thin branch of escitalopram is not meant for such heavy lifting. 

I jokingly say that I only write here when things are bad. But when things are good, you’re simply going through the motions, experiencing them. There’s less room and need for contemplation. Yet when things aren’t great, you need to make space for reflection. 

I guess this is one of those? 

Strap on your job helmet

 

That’s pretty much accurate. In the past two years, I’ve had a couple of really solid leads for a position that I haven’t managed to secure for whatever reason. In a couple of cases, it was due to my own high level of self-criticism; in others, it was due to very rough competition or other plans that conflicted directly with the position. But now, after sending what feels like dozens of applications and not even getting an automated response back, it’s starting to feel a little scary. I am in a position where I have the luxury of holding out for a great offer, yet it starts to feel as if there might not be any of those any time soon.

Anyways, I’ve been so bored that I’ve done a few different courses in business and computer graphics. It hasn’t actually helped me land a job, but it’s kept me busy. And in the end, isn’t that the most important thing? To just keep busy?

A whole lot of problems

Täna oli veits sitt päev. Elukaaslasel oli tööga seoses sitt tuju, mul oli intensiivne koolituspäev raamatupidamise teemal. Selgus, et üks ettevõte oli saatnud mulle proovitöö ning ma polnud seda meili lihtsalt märganud. Lisaks selgus, et tasuta Figma koolitusele registreerimine lõppes 02.06, kolm päeva tagasi, ning oli välja kuulutatud juba kuu tagasi. Mida ma polnud märganud, kuna nende koduleht oli kipakas ja ma ei leidnud seda infot sealt üles. Tagatipuks on mu firma koduleht (mis, iroonilisel kombel, on mu firma üks suurematest kuluartiklitest) hetkel maas, kuna soovisin selle uuele hostingupaketile üle kolida, aga selleks, et seda teha, peavad mul mõlemad paketid korraga aktiivsed olema. Ning mu eelmine pakett aegus… 02.06. Ehk juhhei. 

Lisaks pole mul aega olnud käia ämma lekkivat bideed parandamas ning rõdu oleks vaja veel tänase jooksul üle lakkida.

A whole lot of problems ühesõnaga. 

Kobayashi Maru

What a bitch of a morning.

Kui su elus on kaks inimest, kes mõlemad tahavad mingil põhjusel samal toolil istuda ja sa sellest hoolimata üritad kompromissi leida... ja seda lihtsalt ei ole?

Lose-lose situation.

so much happening

See feel, kui avastad, et su endine best friend on sind facebookist maha võtnud. Burns!

Sel nädalal on kõik eelmiste nädalate asjad kuidagi kulmineerunud. Et kõik varasemalt mulda küntud seemned on oma viljad maha saanud või umbrohtu kasvanud ning jooksed kõpla ja kastekannuga vagude vahel, et mis jääb ja mis peab minema. Eriti sel nädalal.

Võtsin neljapäeval süüdimatult poolvaba haiguspäeva, sest ei suutnud tempoga kaasas püsida. No ragrets, õigesse kohta läks.

Ja see ei tundu, nagu see oleks tulnud liiga kiiresti - pigem see, et nüüd on see hetk käes, kus mingeid vastuseid enam vältida pole võimalik. Tööl on tunda veits silmuse kitsenemist ja sõbrad ning sõbrannad ootavad paikapanevaid otsuseid. Selline tunne, nagu seisaks rambivalguses, publik vaikuses ootamas, et "noh, ütle lõpuks midagi". Ja parim, mis sa teha saad, on improviseerida puusalt.

So much shit happening right now... I need a fucking vaca.

PS! Sidenote. Kunagine parim sõps võttis kind-of ühendust. So I have that going for me which is nice, i guess.

hard come, easy go

Ja just siis, kui ma tundsin, et palgast võib veel jääda midagi üle muudeks investeeringuteks, ilmus kurat teab kust välja mu eks. Meil jäid omal ajal mõned majanduslikud lahkarvamused läbi arutamata ning nüüd oli ta kuskilt välja nuhkinud, et mul läheb paremini. Eks omavahel öeldes võlgnen ma talle kordades rohkem, kui vaid raha, ent siiski on valus tunda, kui lootused paremale tulevikule su mineviku poolt minema pestakse.

Ma ei laena kergekäeliselt teistelt raha. Sest ma ei maksa tagasi. Like, never.

this is a headline

So. After months of self-pity, feelings of inadequacy and completely letting myself go and becoming detached from my surrounding environment in disappointment... I got offered a job. The kind that I would have gladly taken a few months ago and am currently quite desperate for. And yet I'm feeling more anxious than ever, completely refusing to figure out whether I should take the offer. Because the job is as dead-end as it gets.

It's warm. It's comfortable. It's easy. And it leads nowhere. I've been down that road long enough to know that.

And yet. It is logical. Since I've depleted most of my other options and completely wreaked havoc on my ability to get anything done at all, having a simple carrot and stick environment might be a good move to practice some discipline (disclaimer: my mind wondered off in the midst of writing that sentence for a few hours, so I've no idea what I've just written). It would also help to recuperate some losses in my finances and help me get things moving in any direction.

Pros: money, stability, a sense of purpose, discipline, cool toys
Cons: missing out on other opportunities, loss of freedom (either of which have done any good for me), a bummer summer

What the hell am I saying, I've spent now nearly two years pretty much unemployed and it sucks balls. All that freedom and multitude of options has done me no courtesy whatsoever. If for nothing less than that, I have to take that job to be able to get fired glamorously.

Don't bite the hand that feeds you

Ma olen lõpuks suutnud välja vihastada ühe viimastest inimestest, kes mind veel kui sitta pilpa peal on hoidnud. Ja kuigi ma olen solvunud ja hurt selle põhjuse pärast, ei saa ma seda talle süüks panna.

Ja kõige tobedam kogu asja juures on see, et kõik olukorrad, kus ma inimestele haiget olen teinud, on tekkinud mu impotentsest soovist head teha.

FML.

Readlist.

Asi läks brauseris kontrolli alt ära. Ja kuna pocketis on mingi 3000 lugemata asja, siis panen parem siia need.

Relationships and Social skills:

Don’t Have Your Head In The Clouds: The Things You Should Focus On Instead Of A Relationship

Science Has Discovered the Formula for the Perfect First Date!

Men, It’s Time To Review A Proper Date…

20 Things That You Should Never Regret If You Want To Be Happy

The Reasons Why Happiness Is The Most Attractive Quality

7 Ways To Be A More Charismatic And Generally More Amazing Person

Misery Loves Company: The Lies People Bringing You Down Tell You That You Should Never Believe

Photography:

The Most Honored Photograph (An amazing read)

5 Painless Steps for Getting Rid of the Fear of Street Photography Once and for All

Creating an HDR-like Image From a Single RAW File in Lightroom

How to do Smoke Photography

The 50 Best Rock-Star Instagram Accounts

Business:

The Best Personal Finance Tips from Evil Millionaires

Education:

16 Free Online Business Courses That Are Actually Worth Your Time

Varia:

Setting the Record Straight: Debunking All the Flu Vaccine Myths