maybe that ain't quite it

Umbes poolteist kuud tagasi tegin oma eelmise tööga mõneks ajaks lõpparve. Tekkis võimalus proovida edu uues keskkonnas ning kuna olin eelmises täpselt viie aasta vältel hea palga ja rahuliku töö peal jube paksuks ja laisaks läinud, siis tundsin, et oleks õige hetk teha see drastiline liigutus ning end maast lahti rebida, et uutesse kõrgustesse tõusta.  

 Esimesed paar nädalat olid ekstaatilised. Juba esimesest päevast istusin de facto kõigil koosolekutel ning olin hõlmatud kõikmõeldavate projektidega. Spontaanselt sain ülesandeid ja väljakutseid paremalt ja vasakult, mis panid igakülgselt mu oskusi proovile ning võimaldasid haarata ka sabast kinni asjadel, mida ma justkui peaks oskama, ent mille ise aastateks soiku olin jätnud. Teiseks nädalaks tegin pilti, katsetasin uusi rakendusi, liigutasin motionit ja lõikasin videot. LrC, Ps, Ai, Ae, Pr ja Xd huugasid täiega. Tagatipuks haarati mind veel kaasa ühte grafitiprojekti nii foto kui teostuse osas, kuna kolleegil polnud võimalik ise osaleda. Raske, väljakutseid täis, ent põnev.  

Ja siis eelmisel nädalal tõmmati mind ootamatult ühe suure kliendi tööde pealt maha, millesse ma end justkui olin just jõudnud sisse elada. Tulin esmaspäeval tööle ja sain teada, et on otsustatud teisiti ja nüüd oleks ühel teisel tiimil vaja hoopis 130 kahepoolset kaelakaarti. Ja lootuses, et nädal veidi leevendust toob, siis nädala lõpuks sain enda kaela terve posu mingi kolmanda kliendi bännereid. Neidsamu, mida ma käsi südamel olin vandunud, et ma mitte kui kunagi kellegi heaks teha ei kavatse.  

Ja siis see nädal leiab mind ägamas nende bännerite all. Kõik vähegi põnevad asjad, millega ma end eelnevatel nädalatel sain siduda on kadunud kui tina tuhka. Kõik fotoprojektid, igasugu liikuvad jullad ja ägedad värvilised sotsiaalmeediajubinad.  

Ma seadsin töölt lahkumisega endale eesmärgiks, et tähtis pole niivõrd uues kohas sisse sulanduda ja ellu jääda, kuivõrd leida endale see õige uus koht. Koht, kus ma ise sisse sulanduks. Koht, kuhu ma sobiks. Kui ma olin valmis loobuma oma mugavast pehmest laisast kontoritööst, siis seda eesmärgil, et teha mõtestatumat tegevust, mis võimaldaks mul rohkem end loominguliselt teostada. Hetke seisuga tunnen end taaskord kui sibi kellegi teise unistuste tarbeks. 

Äkki reklaam pole ikka päris see? Või olen ma taaskord lihtsalt valel aasal?  

I need a damn vacation to think things through.

I'm all out of me

For the past few weeks, I feel like I've worn myself thin between different people. Like there is no more myself to give. I'm all out of me. And I've come to realize It's not me who's lacking with emotional output - it's the excessive emotional dependencies of other people that are draining me. And I don't know what the best course of action is. Obviously, those people need me, but a complete lack of boundaries on all of their part makes them feel entitled to subjugate me to each of their emotional whims.

Bad Investments

Kannustatuna suurest hurraast, et ma jaanuari lõpus nii riccas olin, otsustasin sukelduda pea ees investeeringutesse. Enam pole ma see vaene proletariaat, kelle kaelal rikkad pursuid saavad ratsutada. Nüüdsest on tulevik mu enese kätes!

Vähemalt nii ma arvasin. Ilma viitsimata vähimalgi määral süveneda (peale ühe 4lk pikkuse blogipostituse) suunasin kiirelt sadakond eurot LHV Kasvukontole. Nähes, et juba päevadega portfelli väärtus euro võrra oli kasvanud, suunasin sinna sadakond eurot lisaks. Kuid kuna hetkel on turud üsnagi volatiilses seisus ning juba viimased kümme aastat kõva bull peal, siis on oodata peatset investeeringute väärtuse kahanemist. Juba kuu viimastel päevadel sain tunda, kuidas mu neljast eurost kasumist oli saanud kuus eurot kahjumit. (9nda märtsi seisuga rohkem nagu -50€).

Samuti tegin lõpuks esimesed isiklikud ostud Funderbeamis. Ostsin väriseva käega osakuid idufirmadesse, millesse olin olnud piisavalt tahumatu ja vaene paar aastat tagasi investeerimaks. Suure hurraaga ostsin veel poole lisaks. Ning hetke seisuga on mu osakud punases (loe: tasuks tegelikult juurde osta). Aga eks ma panustan ka nende puhul pikemale kasvule. Et kuskil kümmekonna aasta pärast oleks hea neid kõrgema väärtusega edasi lükata.

Kogu selle pullitamise ning pillamise tõttu on mu lootused sel kuul 50% palgast kõrvale panna korralikult tümaks tehtud. Eks peab mõnesaja euroga palgapäevani (ülehomme) välja vedama. Õnneks peagi laekuv ülemakstud tulumaks veidi aitab.

trivial pursuits

Umbes kuskil eelmisel nädalal sõitis mul korraks katus ära.

Enne eelmisi jõule olin kindel, et pean rahaliselt peale seda veel tükk aega käppa imema. Kuid kui peale pikki pühi ning nii 400+ eest kingituste ostmist jäi mul veel üle raha igakuiseks säästmiseks, sõitis mul korraks katus ära.

Tegin suure hurraaga ära ka paar pisemat ostu, mida kuid kuni aastaid olin edasi lükanud. Ja peale seda oli järsku... Mis siis nüüd? Põhivajadused on justkui kaetud, soe korter ja kõik eluks vajalik. Lappasin oma pikaajaliste ostude nimekirja, ning kõik tundus nii tühine ning materjalistlik. On mul vaja uut amoled nutikella? Uut kohvimasinat? Tagavaraläpakat? Robottolmuimejat? Need kõik olid vaid asjad. Esemed. Tarbetu tavaar. Consumerist garbage. Eriti, kuna paljude asjade puhul oli nende jahtimine just see põnevaim osa asjast. Peale ostu sooritust seisis suur osa neist asjadest nukralt nurgas.

Aga millega asendada tarbimisest saadava endorfiinipuhangu puudumist? Umbes peale nädalast värisemist sõitis lõpuks lahendus justkui kaubarong mu kolbast sisse. Nii elegantne, nii glamuurne, nii närvekõditav lahendus.

Ma hakkan fucking aktsiaid ostma.

the beauty of settling

2019 was a hard one for all of us. More than we would have guessed. But it was also time for healing. For laying the foundations for the future. Playing it safe and gaining control over my life. And for the most part, it kind-of worked. 

1. Social life. I The beginning of the year was interesting. Since I was semi-homeless, I was definitely depending more on the kindness of strangers. And friends. And it was good to know there are people who still care. But it also outlined the futility of fighting the future - we are all getting older. We have lives of our own. Getting wasted on a tuesday no longer fits in the schedule. But since some of my friends are reluctantly back from their travels, I have high hopes for next year. Let's just keep each other in mind, okay? 

2. Career. No clue. 2019 was a stagnant year. The most fun I had was when I was slacking off, and there was nowhere near enough of that. My personal projects stalled and my freelance dried up. But I have built the foundations to have better options in 2020. 

3. Family. I had presumed I'd have more time for family this year. That turned out to be not the case. Not meeting my mom for two months in a row was probably the low point. At least I've kept in touch online. But efforts were made to meet more often and maybe 2020 will make time for those arrangements. 

4. Investments. None. Nil. The beginning of the year started in a deep dark financial hole. The constant moving and homelessness did not help. However, as the year progressed my finances eventually improved. I was able to save up some money, build a basic home office, spend 400 on presents and still have some money left for living. So investments - no; savings - yes. This year I aim to save up at least 3 grand (harder than it sounds) 

5. Travel. Aside from a brief stint to Helsinki and Stockholm, not much. Spent a week in the middle of Finland, and it was all the vacation I could have ever hoped for. But travelling as a concept stresses me out these days. Home and bed is where my goals lie. Also, my female being busy with uni is not helping. But this year I aspire to have at least two reasonably sized trips (lofty goals, I know) without breaking the bank. At least that's the plan. 

And 2020 will be a complete unknown. And that's not a bad thing. I've played it safe, so I might be ready to take some risks soon. Only time will tell. 

never settle (the sequel)

2018 was pretty fucky year, we can all agree. The whole year delivered poorly, plans did not pan out, things failed to manifest and big enlightenments were few and far between. But it was also a year of liberty and a newfound sense of responsibility for your feelings and actions. Life gave me an abundance of options, but also made me work hard for any actual results.

1. Social life. It was a year of randomly running into old friends and relatives. It felt like there was a strong sense of clarity; why some people remained in your life and why many disappeared. I loathed being so dependant, but often found many of my fears and anxieties holding my relationships back were, in fact, not mutual. There was little resentment on the part of others. I did not know that. Maybe next year I manage to actually connect with some of them on a deeper and more meaningful level.

2. Career. More or less the same. I did manage to get more comfortable once my fear of getting fired subsided. I allowed myself to open up a little, took greater responsibility for my work and also started to respect my own time more. Overall, not quite there, but a whole lot better than the last time we met.

3. Family. I tried, man, I really did. Made sure to show up to family events, spend quality time with sis and mom whenever possible. That being said, it rarely was. Everyone was always overwhelmed, since 2018 was ruthless for our schedules. At least there was intent and desire. Maybe nex year, eh?

4. Investments. Haha. Nah. Nil. Moving four times and making short-sighted expenses guaranteed that I would end the year with my head barely above water. Still owe my mom like €560, so let's just meet in the middle and say I failed miserably.

5. Travel. My piss-poor resources and planning skills guaranteed this year I would not make it far. All my travels ended up being WAY more expensive than planned, flushing any hopes of saving down the drain. At the same time I never denied myself any experiences or comforts. Travelled like an adult, airport lattes and all. Can't say I have too many regrets. Maybe next year just try and make it further than Oslo and London.

And 2019 will definitely not be the year of marriages or children. Like, so very much not.

never settle

2017 was one fuck of a year. It was the year of settling, in every sense of the world. Accepting and embracing the relationship with all it's flaws and merits, letting go of unreal expectations and making some hard choices and decisions. Getting to stare your true market value in the face, understand where you fit in. I wanted to try some normal-ass comfortable middle-class life and that's exactly what I got. And in 2018 I want to do some things differently.

1. Social life. Man, have I fallen behind on this. Literally secluded myself from other people. 2018 I'm not gonna do that shit. I want to go out again. Do things. Feel things. Get hurt. Keep moving. Follow up with friends, many of whom might still not resent me. Go see how they are doing.

2. Career. I have no idea where my current job is going. If anything, it feels like it's not really going. Aside from the salary, it's not quite "goals" either, with me still feeling like a useless rabbit in the corner. The confidence I lost in 2016 and 2017 made sure I'll never shine there. So in 2018, I'mma do me. Whatever that means. Sacrificing a normal career for some random opportunities? Sure. I'm game.

3. Family. I don't have a lot of family left and the ones I have I don't spend nearly enough time with. In 2018 I want to spend more time with my mother, as long as I have her. I wanna help her move out or at least try to fix that awful dump she lives in. Cut some trees, take out some trash, rent or buy an apartment.

4. Investments. I've always felt I've never had enough to invest. The truth is the opposite. It's the pennies you piss down the drain that eventually adds up. I've spent a lot of money on absolutely nothing over the years, going bust before the payday. In 2018 I will start putting money aside, get some cryptocoin and maybe even think about getting some property.

5. Travel. I love to travel. Now that I'm old and comfortable I love to travel in comfort. If you play your cards right, travel does not have to be super expensive. In 2018 I'd love to get out of the country at least once in every 2-3 months. Iceland and US might still be some time away (May-June 2018), but weekend getaways to nearby places with cheap flights are a real thing.

In 2019 we can start thinking about marriage and other goals. But try and keep them off the map for this year, okay?

The Invention of Lying

I know when I started lying.

I was maybe four years old. I would often play with my nephew and he would often cause a mess or break something. Sometimes it was the both of us. Kids play, things happen. But despite my attempts to try and explain the situation I’d always take a beating. My attempts at setting the record straight were futile. If he had broken something it was his word against mine. And my words were weaker.

So I learned how to lie. I leaned how to mitigate truth. How to reframe the reality. How to avoid the direct fallout from my mistakes by using half-truths and inaccuracies. And for a while it worked. Less beatings and less punishments.

In fact, it worked so damn well that when I made it to my teens, it became my default modus operandi. Whenever there were missed deadlines or even simple slip-ups I'd lie. When I was lazy and wanted to avoid obligations, I'd lie. It was a defence mechanism. It was easier to avoid truth than to deal with consequences.

Eventually things got worse. It started to significantly hinder my career and education. I'd get into trouble. But it was still my default hardwired behaviour. Whenever I'd find myself in a sticky situation I'd default to illustrating the truth.

So, as a last desparate attempt, I learned how to be bad at lying. I would contradict myself, miss emotional cues, intentionally talk myself in. Make my lies implausible and wouldn't follow through with them. I made it impossible for me to lie effectively. So eventually I'd have to come clean.

It had moderate success. It still did not help me get better at life. But it forced me to be mildly more honest. To learn to trust people again. To build rapport. To accept that life is not a zero-sum game - with winners and losers - but a symbiosis.

That to become trusted again, one must trust themselves.

Binary Descisions

For the past year I've often found myself in a situation where I have to make a simple binary descision - option A or option B. No gray area - just a simple A or B. Bring milk or not bring milk. And in those moments I've never known what choice to make - it is only in hindsight that I'll know whether I've made the right call or what the best option would have been.

Which is a problem. Because I keep picking the wrong option. Singular moments in my life when my whole future goes in two different lanes and I'll have often managed to choose the poorer option.

Man, am I out of sync with myself.

PS! Post edited for clarity.

You do you

Man, you are here because of your decisions. This is exactly what you wanted. Otherwise you would have made different decisions.

Or maybe, just maybe you took advice from the wrong fucking people and now are suffering because of that?

I don't fucking know, how could I, I'm just a blog. Make up your damn mind already.

the feeling when someone does something before you without asking and then blames you for not doing it

you either let me do that or you don't get to blame me. it's that simple.

arguing with my girlfriend like

Decisions 2016

I can't stop making bad decisions. God help us all.

For the past year I've done nothing but bad decisions. Every single choice I've had to make has yielded the worst results, yet the only person I can hold accountable is myself. Well, I suppose I've taken my fair share of peer pressure and bad advice as well, but still. To get into a relationship, give up my job AND my damn apartment and to burn all the bridges with my old friends. And for what? Why? Some of the choices I can easily pinpoint to a different era of my life and an attempt to pursue the same goals I had years earlier, when the conditions were different. Those old solutions do not work for new problems however.

And most recently. I had to do a rough price estimate for a client. Despite my best attempts I couldn't reasonably justify a high initial offer. Yet after having added up the cost of the equipment and rentals, it still came short. It will be nowhere near profitable, yet will cost a lot of time and leave little in terms of gains. A promise is a promise, I will have to deliver. But I won't be getting anything out of it in the process. So I'm hoping the project falls through.

Please don't make me decide anything anytime soon. I will fuck this up.

eat the frog

Eelmisel reedel sain töönädala lõpetuseks mõnusa ootamatu uudise kaela - nimelt oli mind ootamatult vaja nädalavahetuseks baari appi. See uudis tuli üsna halva ajastusega, kuna olin end lasknud nädalavaheuseks ka teise baari tööle panna. Lisaks oli olnud eelviimane nädal, masinad ei toiminud korralikult ning üle kõige oleks mul olnud tarvis vaid puhata. Elus täielikult pettununa läksin reede õhul koju ja leidsin eest tühja korteri, kuna neiu oli sõbrannadega välja läinud.

Ja ma läksin magama. Ja see oli fantastiline.

Ja siis järgmisel päeval mõistsin, et fuckit, i'll make the best of it. Virisemisest pole kasu, sest tingimused sellest ei muutu.

Fubar 2.0

Mul on veidi kahju, et mu eilne eepiline rant blogisse ära kustus. Kui tavaliselt tundub hea lasta mõned mõtted lihtsalt minema voolata, on seekord mul isegi kahju, et kogu see konserveeritud sisemine sapp paberi peal kirja ei saanud.

Tl;dr i have wasted my whole life. My life is meaningless.

Fubar

Port Authority

Minu geniaalses Ameerika turismireisi plaanis on vaid üks pisike auk - majutus. Ma olin selle pisiasja sootuks viimaseks jätnud. Tegin aasta alguses researchi ära neli kuud ette ja siis nüüd avastasin, et hindadel on vastavalt nõudlusele tendents muutuda. Ups.

Tundub, et ka parimate arvutuste kohaselt ei tuleks säästutripist säästutripp. Ja päris full-on rikkuritripiks mul vahendeid pole. Mis toobki tõsiasjani, et ehk peaks oma ressursse kuidagi arukamalt kasutama?

Mäletan, kui eelmine aasta emaga euroopas sai tripitud, olin uhke, et olin paar sotti kõrvale pannud ja ei pidanud otseselt raha pärast põdema (va. need pagana rongipiletid). Seekord on kogunenud veidi suurem ja üsna substantial summa, mille iga ratsionaalne inimene investeeriks hoopis oma karjääri edendamisse. Kuid peale umbes 13 kuud 40 tundi nädalas pausideta dead-end töö peal rügamist... all i want is a vacation.

And fuck no am I sleeping in no damn hostel. I'm an adult.

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image courtesy of Graphic Stamps by Unit Editions (via WeTransfer)

An exciting fear

So I accidentally quit my job today. The boss lady came over to tell me how one of the workers had quit and how we could handle the vacation process and... I slyly dropped the bomb. It felt akward. Awkwardly liberating.

I can't remember the last time grass smelled that fresh, the air buzzing from anticipation, sizzling in my hair. It was an incredible, undescribable sense of freedom, combined with a sense of fear about the future.

But it was an exciting fear.

halfway homeless

There's no nice way of putting this, but for the very first time in my life it's either one friend or the other, no middle path. No compromise. There can only be one.

One of them is my on-again-off-again girlfriend whom I've tried to dump for months, only to be pulled back even stronger. The other is my best friend, a person who could read my thoughts without me even having them, yet has recently been very obsessive, bitter and judgmental - not quite the vibes I need in my life.

I'm not quite ready to let go but we are drifting apart, so fast, so hard. Thankfully I have a harbor.

Relationshit problems

People get into relationships for mainly two reasons - they either like the convenience or they really like the other person.

Why am I in a relationship?